36 hours without food

The problem with getting old is the lack of exercise.  Motivation dose not exit to hit the gym and sweat like a pig for a couple of hours and leave with an endorphin high. It is just too much work, too tiring and overly disciplined. It's something best left to the younger people who probably like to view themselves in full length mirrors. They like to look at themselves which is always very funny to see. I was a runner and my exercise usually consisted of stretching followed by a period on the treadmill and some weights. Running while going nowhere is mind numbingly boring and mostly a necessity in the Autumn come Winter time. The other good effect about exercising is weight control and it's possible to stuff your face as much as you like because it all gets burned off in the end. Except when old and not exercising. The weight now collects itself around my mid section and I worry about barely being able to see my feet. Let alone entire body starting to break down and sag. Loss of hair, man boobs, aches and pains. It's not a nice thing.

A year or more ago I heard of the five days on two days off diet. As a way to control weight and actually lose some. Unlike other diets which require the conscious change in eating habits this one doesn't change what you eat but rather how often you do eat. In a single week two days are taken off from eating at all. In ideal circumstances these days should be consecutive, which is asking a lot for a little tubby fellow like myself.  So 36 hours ago I decided to take some time off from food, because I really do need to lose a little weight.  Another secondary reason is it is cheap, because for 36 hours I didn't need to buy any food either. Great news for my wallet. I really am fed up with being as fat as I am and unfortunately getting glimpsed side looks from reflections in windows viewing the gut. The thing which extends over my belt. Further when having a bath it seems the bath water rises up higher than it used to, which is a demonstration of physics in reality. The water displace by my belly moves up, if I didn't float as much as I do now I'd drown.  Once upon a time, my core muscles used to be so tight and I was so slim it was a problem keeping my trousers from falling down so my belt was pulled tight. Whereas now the problem is wondering whether the seat is going to split if bending over and stretching them too much. Or whether there are enough holes in the belt, I even got one of those hole punctures.  Now bending over can be difficult. It is not at all a pretty sight. It had been a while since I last tried this fasting so it was interesting to identify what was happening yesterday and whether my clothes still fit.

Not having food for 36 hours didn't stop me from farting. Yep, I still farted throughout the day and used the toilet. What I did do is drink a lot of liquids because it is summer as well and this was good. There was a moment in the afternoon come evening when there were some stomach rumbles but I've now started to employ the cognitive method of coping. Simply engage your mind in something different make it occupied. The belt on my trousers had to be tightened and was more stable during the day when normally it would be loosened and tightened depending on when I ate. The usual intense postprandial need to sleep was still there after what would of been my lunchtime break. Except I hadn't eaten so this tiredness could be related to lack of sleep due to hot summer nights or it's just habitual. I generally just sit in a chair and close my eyes napping for a burst of ten to fifteen minutes. It partly shakes it off, but not all the time. I wasn't grumpy or tired generally over the day, but what I did feel was more energy and even alert. Perhaps the blood which would of gone to my gut had nowhere to migrate so fuelled my brain. What I did do was try and keep the image of getting an accidental view of my profile, thinking about this belly and how typically middle aged I looked. This was my motivation and I should now try and use this every week even if it is one day out of seven. The other thing I notice was the taste in my mouth and teeth, it felt like it needed a good brush and wash out. Possibly this was a combination of gastric liquids being intensified, or even mouth bacteria screaming for food to live off. The mental alertness levels lasted throughout the entire day. Which kind of striked me, there must be a optimal balance where the right sleep, food and drink consumption puts the body in a place of feeling awake and alert.

Maybe one of the lessons of life is to do things which are good for yourself but unpleasant. As the saying goes too much of a good thing is bad. However, over time the human body changes, it doesn't metabolise so fast and eating at the same rate will mean obesity. The biggest disease affecting modern day society, unless you happen to be in a country at crisis is being fat.  Regardless I must admit to enjoying breakfast this morning but will do my best to eat sensibly today and not try to make up for 36 hours of fasting by 36 hours of gluttony. Perhaps even a little exercise would be a good thing?

Bosses and stress

Nearly every working day I take time out and head to a very nice pub for a cup of coffee. Not always but certainly most days. There three and sometimes four things happen, cup of coffee, close eyes and have a very short moment of shut eye, read and occasionally chat to Sparkling Eyes. The best bit of news which comes out of this is usually what Princess J has recently been up to. When the office has been manic and the stress has piled up (even though I do my best to deny stress any kind of foothold) then news of what my precious, crazy little grand daughter has been up to makes everything insignificant. Everything.

Being under stress has an upside to it. Having experience awful managers in workplaces I'll elaborate. In two jobs bad management led me close to leaving them. However, bad management is not about doing shift rotas, deciding overtime, or giving tasks to do. It is about personality and interpersonal skills.  How an employee is spoken to and they way they are asked to complete a job or reprimanded are factors more important in the workplace than a lot of things. One female boss I had liked to use psychological warfare, each day when she came into work it was amateur theatrics night. She would come in and expect everyone to pay attention to her, to suck up to her. I often did not agree with her and at the same time felt unable to express how I felt. She I learnt later was the reason why another boss had a mental break down and left the workplace. Funny thing was the boss who had the break down was her grand parent boss as well. I wish I'd of gone to him and asked for a transfer and am sure he would of been someone to confide in. Except he happened to be the type of person who locked himself up in his room and didn't particularly leave it to socialise or speak to the staff. The upside to having this difficult and mentally ill female boss was how much I appreciated things outside of work. I valued moments of fresh air in such a way it was startling. All because of the pressures felt in the workplace. 

Although we live in a democratic society the work place is not a democratic place to be. The boss is the one who holds all the power. Any relationship with a boss to this extent is asymmetric.  Further to this the way a boss acts is always under scrutiny, employees watch them and they make judgements. I know for I am one of those bosses now. What is significant for an employee is to feel they have the opportunity to say what is on their mind and at the same time. Further to this what they say has been taken into account and is valued and weighted. My admittance as a boss is I don't know everything but at many a time it feels like the people I manage expect me to know everything. They expect answers from me when they could just as easily work out the answers themselves.  This can be frustrating however showing frustration is in itself something which should not be done. For it stems from anger and impatience and making a judgement about the employee.

Now life as a boss is both easier and harder. I don't get bossed around as much as I did when lower in the hierarchy, yet at the same time there is more work than ever. More work and less time. The workplace is an important place for we spend more time there than with our loved ones. We get to know people in work to an even greater degree than we do anywhere else. I once heard it said there are two instances in you actually know what another person is like. One is at work the other is living with them. This is true and what I will say is I absolutely love my job yet at the same time it is very stressful and I don't want to take this stress out on other people, certainly not those who work for me even if I do get frustrated at them. So I don't. I enjoy my lunch break away from the office a cup of coffee and momentarily find solace, comfort and humour. Which is the the best tool to fight stress with.

Missing the bus 5 times and a one minute chat with Princess J

Monday seems so far away, to be precise it was 5 days ago, but the day didn't turn out so good. It was a complete sequence of mistiming and impatience. This is what happens when you spend the entire two days cooped up indoors and not setting a foot out. All because while indoors there's a less likelihood of spending any money at all. Especially since lately it had been dripping worse than a 30 year old tap needing a washer replaced, which is an entirely different story. So waking up Monday morning meant the usual five hours of disrupted sleep because had even a little exercise taken place then tiredness and sleep would of been easier. This pent up energy was spent walking to the bus stop and during the frustrating ten minutes of waiting for a bus then making the decision to walk. However walking in a direction to get on an earlier bus meant eventually missing a total of five different buses. A mile and a half pass and now halfway to work I do eventually get on a red double decker. It's funny as well because lately the buses and traffic seems to be much less than it should be. It can only mean one thing. For some schools the summer holiday has already began. It's nice not to share a bus with a thousand kids who have screeching voices. To work with them would probably mean a compulsory supply of valium and a George Cross medal.

Getting off the bus there was only a few minutes walk into work and sat on the steps was a duck. It was a somewhat odd thing to see. When considering as the doors open up there were about to be a few coach loads of people walking in. Fish factories are like that. In one door and out the other. The duck was quite content to just sit there, like sitting on the steps of a public building was the normal nature of work for a duck. No doubt he was not aware of the two local Chinese take aways, who probably would be serving up the odd portion of his cousin. Not to mention the restaurants, which I have now mentioned.

At lunch I managed to get to chat to Princess J, although the discussion was very short. Being she is three years old and her language is very much still developing. I thought she was saying "can't hear" so spoke louder and told her we'd have to get her hearing checked out. Only then to be advised by Sparkling the little princess was actually saying "cat hairs" because Olly is moulting and the house was covered in them. It was only a few moments and it was a wonderful thing to do, listen to the most wonderful little Miss Trouble there is. Which is also another story altogether.

The wipe my bum song and a Princess J gets stuck in the toilet

It's been a funny morning. There I was thinking to myself it would be nice to write a BLOG as time passes and this year there have barely been any. Then I got writer's block and didn't know what would be written. Yet after listening to the radio for five minutes there was suddenly a hell of a lot of material to think about and enough for at least two thousand words if really needed. Finishing breakfast and heading upstairs a little more radio another two thousand words of possibility and I sat down to do a little typing practice. Within a very short moment there came the sounds of a small boy singing. It is the neighbour's youngest the walls are so thin that his words rang through my room, I was transfixed. It went along the lines of, "wipe my bum, wipe my bum, wipe my bum, wipe my bum! Mum, mum, mum, mum mum!" I laughed. It is not each morning when the words to a song are just given to you and can be made up in just a few moments. I am sure that young lad is going to be a great success in the future when no doubt there will be different words. Ones which the public teenagers will enjoy, but I know they will not provide as much amusement as I had this morning.

Another song I heard him sing a good few months ago also having great brevity and lots of repetition went along the lines of "I don't want a bath, I don't want a bath, I don't want a bath." Followed by more of the same. It was sang in a rhyming style slow and paced just like many small child song is. After a while I heard his mum interrupt and it didn't matter if he didn't want a bath he certainly was about to get one. The entertainment these walls have heard are probably what help keep the house standing.

Small children do not understand a lot of things, just as the beautiful Princess J does not understand a lot of things. The not understanding things is because they are children and their barely lived life has to mould understanding according to experience. If it happens experience is based on play then this is how they understand. Play with lots of laughter and often repeated play of the same thing over and over again. This may be draining on an adult, but I have found after doing two hours of hunt the egg with Princess J there is a lightness of being almost what you'd get from doing a lot of meditation. Of course it is tiring, very tiring, but this is age. Pops is an old man and Princess J does not understand the concept of age quite yet but she does understand what a birthday is and waking up to open lots of presents is absolutely great fun. Which is another game we have played before. I'll not mention our game of father chrimbo at this point.

Sparkling told me a couple of days ago about Princess J's little adventure to a seaside town called Arbroath. They enjoyed the train journey on Thomas the tank train, enjoyed walking along the beach and seeing a bucket full of fish heads, then came time for a cup of tea and a bowl of ice cream. Just as Sparkling had began her tea Princess J wanted to go to the toilet. Now at three years old she considers herself a big girl and is pretty independent. Whenever possible she will go to the toilet on her own. Unlike the boy above she doesn't mind wiping her own bum, for some reason she enjoys the experience and enjoys using toilets in any place she knows they are. However this time was different. Sparkling went into one toilet cubical and Princess J in they other. Now these cubicles were not like the modern new ones which have not top and about eight inches of space below. They were situated in a old style restaurant so the toilets had old style locks and weren't as smooth as modern ones. Sparkling finished and then tapped on Princess J's door. Asking if she had finished as well. She could hear the little Princess trying to pull the lock across but it would not. Her small hands were just unable to slide it across. Keeping as calm as possible Sparkling kept trying to coax Princess to open the door. She couldn't. Princess was beginning to get distressed. Sparkling calmed her as much as possible and then said she had to pop off and see the waitress. In turn the waitress came but could not do anything. These toilet doors didn't have the big gaps, you couldn't slide under or assist in any way. However, fortunately there was a builder on the premises doing some work so they went and got the builder. He then proceeded to remove panels from around the door and from the top of the door. In a short while he had made a gap at the top. By putting his arm down with a tool he was able to reach and knock the lock open.   So it was the Princess had been rescued not by a Prince but by a builder. The perfect accomplice, otherwise no doubt they would of had to call the fire brigade, which would of been a bit dramatic for such a situation.

The whole episode took about twenty minutes and during this time Princess J had found her ice cream had melted. The restaurant was sympathetic and gave her another free bowl of ice cream and although Sparkling offered to pay for the repairs to the toilet door they would not have any of it. Princess enjoyed her bowl of ice cream and of course even some of Sparkling's tea. Now maybe if she knew the "wipe my bum" song she would not of locked the door at all.

Helping a man to the pub

So there I am at lunch time, just finished my Chinese and not feeling guilty about the excessive amount of calories taken in when I notice the grey haired old man with a white stick walking slowly and tentatively towards a boarding. Which had an inset door open for workmen. I group of people walked passed him and would of seen him as well. It was clear, if he continued through the doorway he was going to trip up or enter a part derelict site. Then possibly lost or injured walking around in circles with no one to stop him.  I approached and asked if I could help. He acknowledged and was happy for me to guide, the destination was a pub, to the left through a market. A pub which it seemed he'd visited many before but I couldn't tell if this was many years before and he was revisiting for old times sake. Most likely. I guessed he was lonely and wanted to make some mates, or just get pissed out of  his head. How on earth he was going to get home afterwards was mind boggling. Whether on a bus, train or taxi he'd sure need a little assistance and I was half wondering whether I should of offered to meet up with him a few hours later to see if he needed help again. Poor old sod, but certainly a nice enough fellow.

Which got me on a digression of thought how it is good to help other people. To be kind, yet in the same instance this evening I saw a programme on TV where a married couple were temporarily separated for 10 weeks so they could lose weight. They had gotten into a rut and were drinking 25 bottles of wine a week between them and seemed to lead lives of petty squabbles and emotional starvation. They admitted it wasn't helping their relationship and the husband was quite sure he loved his wife but could not put up with it.  The wife had low self esteem and gave off a self loathing attitude of how she needed to change, but was so self absorbed I nearly walked away. Yet at the end of the period she had managed to lose 2 stone and her partner had lost 3 stone. It was a happy moment as they met again after the separation and then decided to permanently change their lives. If there is one thing detestable it is people who are self absorbed and just can't get over it. So at the beginning of the programme I just wanted her husband to leave her and tell her to get herself sorted out. Whilst at the end of the programme it was clear they both absolutely wanted their relationship to continue and both wanted to love each other for the rest of their lives. This was the beautiful element which had come through in the end. I could of easily had a babble at it, but managed not to and stayed composed.

The moral is, if you do something good for another person you will feel good about yourself and gain a self happiness.

Sleep variations

Sleep is a beautiful thing when you can get it. However the sleeping habit changes with age, the older one gets the less sleep needed. In addition there is always things to be done and the best time to do anything with concerned effort and concentration is at night when it is quiet. Peace is also a beautiful thing and in a mad crazy noisy existence, finding peace to take a moment out is also difficult.

It is easier when done late at night say between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. or perhaps even a little bit later. Not much later. Just a little bit. For after 5 a.m. the world is truly awake. Doing noisy things at night though is probably not a good idea if you like the neighbours.  Woodworking and plumbing are best left during waking hours, when most people are awake not when it's just light. Unless you happen to be an insomniac or a part time insomniac and dislike your neighbours, or live in a field.  Like sleep insomnia is a condition which comes and goes depending on it's fancy. So sleep, peace and insomnia are a trio of bedfellows each dancing in the shade of the banyang tree. One dances on soft sand, the other on cobble streets and the last doesn't care for peace is a state of mind.

Sometimes when I get home late the desire to sleep is so strong I will go to bed and then wake up a couple of hours later. This small luncheon allows enough space in the normal sleep routine allowing a later night and a little peace and quiet. Except of course at such small  hours of the morning it is not a time to get a musical instrument out and play, for other people are trying to get some shut eye. But oddly the desire to strum my ukulele is strong and it is like a force which cannot be denied. Except it must. This is because I just have not been getting in the normal practice routine which was part of daily life. Things get in the way. It would be so good if I could get away with just a minimum time sleeping and then be productive with the rest. But even productivity is a misnomer when distractions are abound.

Yes, sleep is a beautiful thing and it shouldn't mind coming day or night providing it is given a respectful place.

Saturday morning what do I do?

Oh I miss being bullied by a little girl who is barely three years old, my grand-daughter Princess J. She is the happiest little girl I have ever met in the entire world and I love her so much it hurts when I am away from Scotland for too long.  Next week will be week five from last seeing the little Princess. Let me also add Sparkling Eyes who I cant help finding I like to annoy and she in turn gets a perverse kick out of annoying me. She is the most wonderful pain in my arse I've every had and will always continue to be one. She puts me in my places and reminds me of who I am, she is my friend and my love and everything to me. Damn I must really be missing Scotland today.

Yesterday in Scotland it was raining and dull and the kind of day where you just stayed in doors and didn't venture out. It was one of those weather days which wears down the spirit to do nothing. They say you should get things fixed while the sun is out, which means there's always a lot of work to do things and get them fixed. Whenever the sun does decide to come out.

It's Saturday and I need to decide what to do with my time. The sun is out, Sparkling will begin working later this afternoon and it will mean two days where I don't get to chat to her as text messages fly through the air. Fortunately she now likes her new job, is easier and less manic than per previous job with the Red Cross. The RC may have a name for it as a charity but as a care provider for those needing palliative support it is dreadful. Sparkling showed me her list of calls over a weekend period and there were scores. Some people only getting a fifteen minute visit where the carers were expected to give a shower and breakfast. It isn't worth getting the RC involved unless you are in absolute need and then don't expect much. The care staff are spread thinner than marmite. Havey is in the corner there and it's about time he was played, sun is out and it's about time I got some exercise, I need to do something, anything, just be active. I got books and journal articles from days of old when I used to study, now they can be thrown out  but there's this emotional investment in these things because they were part of my life for a period, and there is knowledge in those things and knowledge is useful stuff to have. What is it that stops me from clearing out when I know I so need to?

Things Change

The environment of the fish factory is one hell of a hectic place. This is because the government of the day is always trying to intrude and introduce new regulations which must be followed. The fish are too big, the fish are too small, they are too ugly some are to beautiful. In which case off with their head says the secretary of state for work and pensions. Until it was his own head went rolling along the ground and it was a case of self decapitation rather than one of the close cabinet circle stabbing him in the back and kicking his body into the Thames, just so it could float on down and out to sea to become bird food, or possibly fish food. So it is at the factory things change. They change on a nearly daily basis and you can't help get a feeling the bosses think this department is like having an extra toe no one knows what to do with. The weather is hot, everyone has sandals on and all they are doing is fixating on this toe wondering if they could lop it off with a pair of pruners. Yet they know were such an event to happen there would be a lot of pain. So much there would be a lot of flak. The sky would light up.  So the factory is neglected and we all do our best to get along doing what we can. Running about with sticky tape and glue trying to keep things together. The thing is this glue and sticky tape is now being used to patch areas where glue and sticking tape was before, the scar tissue is getting bigger and bigger.

Whatever I say, I like to be busy. It is good to be busy because the time flies by, however there are moments more frequently when being busy is not the operative situation. Rather manic chicken with no head flapping about and trying to lay an egg at the same time. This is what it feels like. The people above who are part of an elite special forces team going by the initials of SMT (senior management team) have higher pay grades and tell us how to order our batches of fish, how to stick the sardines in cans and what to throw out. The thing is they don't actually spend any time on the coal face so their advise is to put it bluntly a load of codswallop. Their views of the factor are from the last time they walked around it. Which was probably on some induction tour fifty years ago. They have no idea what is going on. Further to this they have the inability to listen. It's just not getting through and it is going to get worse. The elite team have been in bed with each other for over 30 years and now some of their members are running for the hills. Running hard and fast because they have been and found the Willy Wonka golden ticket. Damn lucky for them, shame about the rest of us who have to stay behind and pick up the decaying rot of decisions made by people less qualified to lead the life of a mackerel than an actual mackerel is.  Of course I'm still here, the demands are made and I know I can't meet them so I then choose not to meet them and just get on with the best I can do. Which isn't to their liking, not at all because it is not giving the results they want. Results they can't even hope to get with their style of apocryphal management.  Not even the sprats have any belief this boat knows where it is going.

So the question is what do you do when the toad is running the rudder but is too short to see over the top of the railings. And on top of this is just sitting there flicking it's tongue out eating flies and getting fatter. As though it has no care in the world. The thing is all of the other ships in this sea only communicate through the toad so they only get a toads eye view of what is going on. Yet us sailors do all we can to guide and help the ship along. We can't trust the rudder so when it points the wrong direction we pull up the sails, we wave flags as ways of warning and those who are scared go and eat easter eggs in the bowels of the ship, in the dark.  It's all changing and we can see it changing and if we just dive off into the sea to get away it will not matter at all to the toad. This animal doesn't give a shit as long as it can swallow up the next fly within zapping sticky tongue distance. The toad keeps itself to itself, so we take no notice and hold it in contempt as in reality this toad is no more than just a fat cat and certainly isn't a leader of anything other than it's tongue, whether used for flies or taking the cream from the top of the milk. For like all fat cats it gets paid handsomely sitting happily on the catches of others, who are of course paid much less.

Energised in the Fish Factory

It is funny how I have felt energised lately at work. Really odd. For it is all gloom and doom. The changes taking place in the Fish Factory have been forced upon us by mysterious aliens who run the mothership. Except these idiot aliens don't know what communication means and probably had it erased from their dictionaries when they were little alien kiddies. I expect a little exuberance with a black crayon or an unfortunate opportunity of using real scissors when they should of been pulled away before doing any damage. I mean who wants to cut of an alien tentacle by accident. So the things who lead the space ship gave out an enhanced redundancy deal to anyone who fitted the criteria. Which happened to only apply to managers. The aliens expected a 100 per cent take up rate and they nearly got it. Any ordinary savy organization would of said OK, we need to cut costs lets do it in a logical succession management manner. Nope not these nitwits. They went for management posts. So anyone who was over the age of 55, had 15 years service and of management grade were given the choice to leave. Many had taken this choice and in a couple of weeks our management will be pollaxed by half of what it previously was, but I will still be there. Because for a start I didn't fit the criteria I just wasn't old enough, even though I am an old fart. This old fart fell into the slightly younger category of fart so has to stay.

The error of their way it seems they just haven't an understanding on. The decision appears to have been completely made at a financial level. Managers over the age of 55 are generally a wealth of experience and information which can not be bought from a book. But it is not just this, they provide a stability through their long term incumbent positions, a stability which in some cases is admirable having to deal with some pretty lazy employees because there has simply not been the management support to sack them or go through the process of sacking them. For those who don't know the term for this it is called Capability. There is so much comfort which can be gained from asking a question of an experienced manager, one who knows what they are talking about. Let me also state this as with any organization there are also managers who are just as incompetent as the next person, these like their incompetent subordinates are known, and yes again nothing is done. Unfortunately those who are bully's seem to stay on for a long time and make many employees lives a misery.  For we all know bullying and harassment policies are paper tissues used in the toilet and have no teeth. If they did your arse would be pretty raw.

The loss of this great knowledge and experience means there are fewer managers left. The structure of our fish factory is becoming flatter than the earth in the 1800s. We have to chain ourselves together to ensure nobody else falls off the edge into a black abyss. It means those managers who are left have to do twice the job they already do, and the job they already do is twice it used to be anyway, so now it is four times what it once was. It doesn't help at times when you get the feeling of the organization doing it's best to destroy itself with IT which consistently fails. Personally I don't understand why heads have not been rolling on this front. When we have staff sitting at desks ready to work and hours are lost while they watch little blue circles go round and try and contemplate the meaning of life or find a work around to get something to work because the gremlings weren't bright enough to throw a spanner in that particular part of the machine. I am feeling energised  but I have all the reason in the world not to feel energised in the circumstances. Why? Because my boss is going! I do know she works much harder than other bosses at her level but she has a problem of not being able to listen to people, not being able to understand their point of view.  In addition she suffers from a denial syndrome, one which has no doubt kept her in her job for a very long time, because she has denied the knives are out to get her. She has denied the jibes of other bosses or construed to view them in a different way. Unfortunately she has also had the support of a close friend and subordinate manager who in my view has actually been no more than a sycophant, and sycophants like bullies are amongst the most disliked employees about. They employ the art known as back stabbing and do so while smiling into your eyes.

So again I wonder why I have been energised? Perhaps the second reason is because I understand I am more powerful than I every have been. With fewer managers about those who are in place are not just a life blood they are the beating hearts and the bones which keep the body going. And hopefully sometimes the brains. Except of course in my fish factory the brains have gone under the guise of the senior management team. Of which my leaving manager is one of them. A team of people who at times have made disastrous decisions and mistakes which have cost many hundreds of hours of lost working time. Just because they believed they had to bring in an initiative and show they were doing something. However, they would not gather data and consider whether it worked or not, they would just come up with an idea and they would then impose the idea. I had contested these on many occasions but was then ignored. This SMT group suffer from a psychological phenomenon called group think and they are totally oblivious to it. I guess it is what happens when you have people who have worked together 30 plus years.

Anyway, I am energised. Because my voice is now more powerful and I may actually be heard, it is like a freedom and I like it very much. The only thing now is to keep my fingers crossed I don't get a mental break down due to overworking.

A bereavement in the family

Last week Sparkling Eyes lost her mum, she was 84 years old and there was nothing doctors could do to heal her. Her stoma had gotten blocked and she hadn't eaten probably for ten days before she was taken in.  However, this on being admitted the doctors had delegated her to the heart ward. She'd had an erratic heart and they couldn't seem to slow it or control it. A scan was done of her stomach and they found not only was the stoma blocked but a hernia had developed. It was not possible to operate because of her heart.  In addition to these items she already only had 35 percent of just one kidney functioning, she was frail and had lost much weight. For a few days there seemed to be an ongoing battle to sort out the stoma. A doctor Sparkling and L & B man called the Green Mile (after the film) had done his best to digitally remove the blockage. Both Sparkling and L & B man spent days and hours at the hospital by her side, keeping her comfortable, talking and creating a relationship with the nursing staff who were excellent. Then at some point the doctors said no more could be done. The blockage was not clearing and through many hours of very ill health morphine was administered to keep her comfortable. She passed away on 04.02.16. at approximately 10:20 a.m. maybe a few minutes earlier.  I was on a train at this time and began my journey from Kings Cross to Scotland. It has been a very sad and trying time for Sparkling, however she has not as yet had a good hard cry. Once or twice she has been tearful but is doing her best to hold it together to support her brother.

It is odd when someone passes away, for I would see Sparkling's mother nearly every time I went to see Sparkling. So now a mortal human being who has been part of my life for a long time is no longer here.  There is something though which was must be said, she loved every one of her offspring and did her small best to help them whenever she could. Whether it be giving money to them, being a listening ear when needed or being disapproving. She did what she thought she was best to do. Her body was left to medical science and Sparkling and L & B man are executors of her estate. Unfortunately Sparkling tells me L & B while dealing with the estate has been manic and shown the less appealing aspects of his personality, which I'll not go into.

We all have a single mortal coil to this planet and it is best to use it fully for once it is over there is nothing left except the memories and legacies we leave behind. The more I have considered this episode the more I have realised the reality of life smile and leave them happy, touch those people you love with as much affection as you can, and some people will always give more than they get in return.

12 Things to change your life in 2016

1. In times of misfortune and stress, foster a calm head. 

When irritated it is easy to react, saying something in an instant can take a years of regret. Swearing, losing your calm or being violent also takes away your control of the situation.  This is a difficult thing to do, but the more often practised the better self control gets. It is necessary to accept within yourself how you feel about a situation, to dwell on it and think about it. However it does not good venting anger, let yourself go outside of the incident which takes place.  Not in it.

2. Think things could be worse.
This is a matter of changing mindset and again moving away from the negative thoughts life should of treated you better. Consider you are not living in a country or culture where laws are strictly adhered to with considerable force. Or worse capital punishment for merely stating an opinion. This point is also about counting good things and attenuating the negative things in your life.

3. Harbour a sense of humour.
When growing up I thought fun and laughter were limited commodities.  Anything can be fun, everything is a matter of personal attitude and laughter is a good way of of relieving awkward moments and stress. It can create bonds quickly and break down defences, sometimes it may mean showing your vulnerable side. It is always healthy to see things in a different way but it's even better to have a laugh over it.

4. Enjoy a moment of peace and quiet.
In the hectic life of today it is important to find time for yourself.  This is necessary more so for those individuals who consider themselves to be introverts.  A break in a quiet place may either be short or long, sometimes it is frequency which matters.  If you are in a loud environment take a break outside of this environment.  Make a cup of tea, go to the toilet do anything which gives a momentary break from that loud place.

5.  Play a musical instrument
I began to play the ukulele about three years ago and am one of those people who has never in their life played an instrument. I practice as often as I can and even try singing along. It has been great fun and will continue to be both a learning and relaxing experience. I heard it is even good to sing because singing strengthens your voice.

6. Exercise
This single word in itself can be akin to holding garlic in the face of a vampire. The human body is not a machine but rather the human is an animal. Animals need food water and exercise, to name but a few items.  Exercise does not have to be crazy it can be gentle, many programs recommend exercising to the point there is a slight strain on breathing. Others indicate the heart rate should be raised for at least ten minutes at a high and uncomfortable level.  What matters though is just getting out and doing some exercise.

7. Talk to a stranger
This is for those who find they speak to the same people everyday and don't get to meet and talk to someone they don't know.  Someone not part of the family or the workplace. There are places everywhere this can happen.  On the train, the bus or in a shop, at the pub anywhere you might visit is a potential place to speak to someone you don't know. Then try and learn something about them, something unusual. Favourite food for example.

8. Diet and be healthy
The statistics suggest getting fat is now rife in the western world. With it brings illnesses which could of been avoided, such as the ubiquitous diabetes. Carbohydrates are a cause for concern methinks. Especially the white ones with a high glycemic index. I don't know what it is, but the more white starch I eat then the more white starch I want to eat. It must be doing something to my brain, kicking in some kind of eating switch. When I was a teenager it didn't matter what I ate but now in my 50s every single calorie is being notched up on my belt. And the belt gets bigger as well.

9. Keep an eye on finance
Here I have been hitting two birds with one stone. There are days in the week I will either walk to work which is just over two miles or walk home. It takes about an hour depending on how fast my little legs move. So exercising and saving the fare of riding a bus. Which has gone up yet again. In addition to this I have made a conscious effort to try and save a few pennies every week which go into a savings account and are not touched. Economists say your savings account should have 8 times your monthly earnings.  This is in case of both an unforeseen emergency and in the event of losing your job. I so wish my savings were this high, but I will keep squirrelling away.

10. Read and learn
Always be reading and learning. The two go hand in hand. Have a book about a subject which interests you and at the same time is educational. At present I have a simple book about economics and the development of humanity.  There are points which are raised I have not considered before and may well be generalisable to other areas, be it work or personal life.

11. Learn to do something difficult
As a kid if something was difficult I would not want to do it. Such as math and I will admit to being not great at maths even though I managed to get an A'level in pure math and a A'level in statistics. I've forgotten most of what I was taught and wish I could still remember it. Being an adult now I appreciate the skill and effort which goes into doing difficult things. Such as playing the ukulele. The first year of playing I practised every single evening. I am learning music, chords, musical registers, a very little bit of musical theory, rhythm and how to sing a song.  It is funny how family think when you pick up an instrument you will be belting out a tune in a fortnight. You may well be but it will probably be not very good.

12. Improve your memory
This is probably one of those age related problems, but the older you get the easier it is to forget everything. However, forgetting things is just as important as remembering them, otherwise your brain would be cluttered up.  Yet when you need to remember something this is when it does become a problem. Looking into the subject of mnemonics, it will amaze you how easy it can be to remember stuff, any stuff at all. The problem with this is your memory is like a muscle and using mnemonic methods requires active practice.

Happy 2016 - It's all about work

Well 2016 is now here, the urge to write 2015 has nearly been stifled and as always complaints abound about how quickly another year has passed are common. It's strange returning to work because of how calmed and relaxed people feel after having a break from the frantic stress and strains of the pre holiday pressures.  Further everyone from work had the opportunity to chill out so it's not just the odd individual who has a more laid back attitude.  For the life of those who are working in pressurised environments this is a common feeling.

Those at the bell end of an organization who have swanky titles and earn big bucks are usually well out of touch with what happens at the lower end.  It is a perpetual situation. It is clichéd to constantly hear the phrase "more for less" but this is a never ending blind comment frequently banded around by individuals who don't get their hands dirty and actually examine the systems in place.  When I say examine I am not stating a cursory look over a hierarchy chart or a meeting in which one manager speaks to another. Getting hands dirty means getting on down with the real people and working with them and talking to them, this is where real understanding takes place.  An additional reality here is workplaces are not ran by systems, they are ran by people who run the systems and some people choose to ignore those systems as well as run their sections in the way their personality fits the situation which may well not be to the advantages of the organization and may well be down right malicious. There most certainly are many managers like this.

But it is odd, because I find myself with an optimism I can't shake off. Like it has glued itself to me. Yes I understand things are worse than they every have been, the country is going down the pan, personal debt increases, available jobs are all zero hours and minimum pay yet I am lucky. I am fortunate because I have a job I like. Yes my employer is restructuring the Fish Factory by doing the most ludicrous of things possible and offering enhanced redundancy and retirement packages to those over 55 years of age, on management grade and with 15 years service.  They expected a 100 percent take up and nearly got it.  The ludicrous thing about this was offer was it did not allow for a planned restructure of departments, it assumed a cut in employees who cost the most would benefit the factory.  Now in a department which has 11 managers there are 5 who have accepted the package. With a management structure which has dwindled down and down over the years this means those who are left will have to cover the work of two people.  I don't know why but I keep thinking there is opportunity here.  My workload is so high now there has not been a time in the last 4 years where I have actually been up to date with it.  I have felt stressed and unable to cope with the amount of work I have but am doing my best to harvest an attitude of it is not the work but how I view my workload which stresses me.  Yes there are always many pressing priorities which can have severe outcomes if they are not dealt with and I can not keep up with them, yes the open plan office is a disaster area for concentration, but I feel optimistic and hopeful.  I am in a job and this job will always have plenty of work for me to do.

The good fortune of those who have been selected to take leave of the Fish Factory can give a bitter taste to those who are left behind and have to cope without them. I am so very aware how my workload will increase and how I will not be able to cope with it.  It stands to reason being behind on my current work and being given more isn't going to mean I will miraculously be fantastically productive. However, I will say there is a little sweet pill of happiness because my boss is leaving.  It isn't because she is an ogre I am happy, it is because I have disagreed with her views  Often she has failed to listen to what I've expressed and not understood, she has made demands but not understood the demands of my job mean she is making it even more difficult to do.  Further she has made disastrous decisions, ones which neither I or the entire team of people I manage have agreed.  This means we have not committed to her decisions and been motivated to make them work, after a few months those stupid decisions are then swept under the carpet and ignored.  No further response is heard.  Put it this way, intelligent people will find a way not to do what stupid people ask especially when they ask them to do something stupid as well.

It is all about work, if you have work and your work is respectfully awarded in pay and recognition everything else falls into place in a happy and contented manner. If you are poorly paid and work is like cleaning out the toilets of hell then all would not be well with the world. It is indeed all about work.

Cola and insomnia a couple of lovers

Waking up again in the early hours of the morning is a pain. As usual it becomes a matter of deduction and trying to reason what the cause was this time. Besides not getting enough exercise I have come to the notion it is drinking Cola in the evening. Because of the caffine content. Like this morning for example. At 3 a.m. I wake up, the bed is hot because there's a lot of covers and it's prepped for winter, consciousness is like a ice bucket challenge. Yet the usual tossing and turning kicks in, with a search for just the right position which will allow sleep to touch my eyes and body. It doesn't. I'm farting and awake. Maybe the coke has too much gas in it, maybe I have too much gas. But I can't sleep. At this point it is ludicrous just to lay there when nothing is happening. Weird shit is going on, shit I can't seem to control. I get tired in the middle of the day and could drop off like a log just after lunch, yet at night in a comfy bed sleep is elusively stolen away. Like a very early morning alarm clock that small caffine hit has come back to haunt me a few hours later.

I noticed this at first when I was drinking three tins of diet cola in the evenings. Not all the time, just when the fancy took me and the thirst had to be quenched. So I dropped it down to two tins at most, even when I wanted to get nice and merry with a dash or two of JD.  Then last night it was dropped to a single tin of cola, but yet here I am awakening at 3 a.m. again. Time passes and getting fed up of laying in bed I now write a blog at half four in the morning. What is going on? What is this thing which is making me cranky?

Shortly sleep may jump on my shoulder and stroke my brow. It will try and influence me to return to bed, a maiden of comfort leading me into a land of dreams. Except of course nowadays it feels like I barely dream. I know I do but I just don't remember any of them. They are too weird, which could well be some kind of psychological complex of inducted amnesia. An instruction which says when you wake up that shit will be instantly forgotten. I wouldn't mind remember if it was the reason why I got insomnia, even a bad dream gives a reason. But there is no residual it's just consciousness piercing through the world of somnambulance.  Damn that cola, get thee behind me cola, for thou are the taker of my dreams and I will persecute you when I next fall asleep.

I just hope it's pretty soon.

My socks caused this damn insomnia again

Drinking a number of Jack Daniels and coke put me in a slightly intoxicated sleep. Not too many drinks just enough. It was good because I didn't have to lay there and think crap, head hit the pillow and off to lala land. Nothing to do with the telly tubbies either. However at about 3 a.m. I awoke, so the four hours of somnambulism had been snatched away. Gently a waft of something smelly seemed to be tickling my nose. It was bad enough to just lay there and realise sleep was not going to happen again but to understand this waft was from me, or because of me. From yesterday. My socks to be precise. Now in a imaginary world where dreams are of the weirdest kind those very socks would of done a favour and walked off on their own, like the mops from Disney's Magician's Apprentice. They would of found the dirty laundary basked and dived in there all of their own accord. For it would of been the right thing to do. However, socks are evil, they do not have the power to get up and walk to the dirty washing pile, instead they will lay on the floor where last left and fester in the previous day's sweat and bacteria. Slowly and surely letting their presence known throw the reminder of their odour. This is what happened at 4 a.m. and makes me get up to write this bloody BLOG.

What is it about 4 a.m. in the morning? It is a time when going back to sleep is absolutely essential to ensure you are bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, but it is also one of those times when the pressure is on because if sleep does not come in an instant it will mean it is unlikely to come at all. Just laying there trying desperately not to move, or if it is necessary to move then to find the perfect position where sleep will return. Yet the bed is too hot, it feels uncomfortable, there is a itching devil in your mind jumping up and down on the cerebellum giving it a right kicking and not letting nature take it's course. Mind this may well be down to drinking too much coke and about now the effects of the alcohol have worn of but the effects of too much caffine are kicking in. So by the time you do get up about 8 a.m. then you're feeling like shit and want to go to bed again but can't because the law of humanity says it is time to get up and move your blooming arse, things need to be done.

I've not been walking so much this week. Which is odd why I should be woken up by the smell of my socks. For walking gives them a reason to be worn out and stinky. Taking the bus or the train into work most days and returning the same way has my preferred modus operandi. It is a form of lazyness when lazyness doesn't strike at night. It really is something I should sleep on, oh except I can't sleep on it, not at the moment anyway. I used to think walking was a boring thing to do and it was something the unfit people did, the ones who could not get to a gym, who were fat and said they walked as a way to ease their conscience. Now I'm older, fatter and unfit I to walk to ease my conscience and become a hypocrite to my younger self. The slimmer self who slept very well, the slimmer self who didn't drink too much coke or eat too much and had more head on his head. But such is the way of the world and getting older. Such is the way of invidious nocturnal very early morning awakenings and writings of words in blogs which never get read by anyone but are a reminder to humanity that one awake individual did write something down. Even if it was for himself and in order to ease his awoke nonsleeping mind, which very much would like to sleep.

Think I'll go and lay down now, but I can't sleep because I need to get up shortly. And maybe sort those socks out.

Flatulenence or the farts to anyone else

Flatulence is one of those nice words given to an act which can result in people fleeing your vicinity, fast. I once read if you needed to get somewhere in a crowded room fast to pretend you were about to puke. It is a small snippet of information picked up from Hunter Thompson's book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is all about getting high on drugs.  Now puking is considered something which can not help because you are either ill or drunk and to do so in public I'd hope was down to being sick. There is a sympathy element because everybody has puked once in a while and it is not a nice thing to do. Similarly everybody farts every single day and several times a day. I used to think my partner Sparkling Eyes never farted at all, I don't know how she did it but I found out she did as you always do when you are male and a female tries to hide something away about herself but is going to come out at some time or other. Regardless, it didn't stop me thinking of her in a less respectful way, it meant my partner was human and not a lizard eating alien. What a relief. A little like the relief of an ever bloating stomach which eventual leads to one hell of an exploding fart. Which reminds me of work.

Farting monkeys

There are times when eating too many carbohydrates has a certain affect on the belly. It's not just about putting on weight it is for those sensitive persons who can help but let a rip roaring fart every now and again. Or maybe just letting lots and lots of little ones off like secret bombs. I must confess to doing the both of these on a regular basis when eating too many carbs. Particularly white carbs. Breads, cakes and rice are the biggest culprits. On these occasions there is no alternative but to go to the toilet as frequently as possible during the day. Drink as much liquids as I can and just keep on visiting. I therefore would be no good as an individual who is glued to their seat in a job which would not let me roam about free as the wind once in a while. The worst thing of all is working in an office with a majority of women in it. For women are sensitive to smells, they are always putting on perfumes and I must admit to finding the odd whiff of perfume sprayed nearby which heads my direction. Even this week I thought one of them had must of puffed their fumes on my shoulder as I sat there diligently working and doing my best not to let the explosive farts explode. The problem being that loud farts are like someone with one of those incredibly large foam hands and a finger pointing, just walking along and then pointing it directly at your arse. Everybody knows. Hence running to the toilet as often as possible, taking a short sit down break and just ripping away. What a flipping relief.  It's at times like this the individual sitting in the next cubicle who is more concerned with the smart phone than their guts gets up an leaves. The toilet is the appropriate place for farts and anything else arse wise but it is not a comfy seat to sit down catch up with text messages or playing another level on a game you're addicted. But yet there are employees who disappear off to the loo just for this reason and I must admit to it being a pet hate. If they are going to sit there and read the latest football scores I am going to sit there and make it as unpleasant as I can with a big exploding fart. See how long the footy interests you then Pal!  What a waste of space.

So inherently human beings fart and I don't know why it is considered disgusting. Except of course for the pungent ones, we all do it, it is a natural fact of life.  Further it is not just humans who fart, every animal under the sun farts. We've all had pet dogs or cats who would lay there sleeping as if butter would not melt in their mouth, being so very cute suddenly let of a fart. My wonderful old cat Tigger was a right old wind bag as he got aged.  He was beautiful but boy those purrs came at an expense.  The same happens when your dog is allowed in the bed room just as want to get a little more sleep.  Dogs eat anything so in respect they are going to fart a lot. 

Some diets will make you more prone to farting and for me it is the carbs I have no doubt in it. And the baked beans eaten late one evening only to reappear in another form the entire next day. We are not taught what to eat and how to eat as we grow up. We don't know what a balanced diet is, our national dishes are full of carbs and the national vegetable is pure carb. Perhaps it is to do with the microbial flora and forna of the gut, not being quite up to scratch in some instances. Then surely you'd of thought there would be a yoghurt drink to replace all those important microbes and get the gut back in to working fashion but not as gaseous.  If the smell was taken away then farting would be a minor inconvenience and nobody would say a thing. But there is discrimination against farters, it is especially held against those who cant help it and have exploding arses.  People turn their head when they hear the sound, the rip, the roar and they expect their air space to be shortly invaded. This discrimination is unfair because the deadly and silent get away with it. Nobody knows who they are, and they sit there hidden smile on their face never owning up to the stink bomb they just let off.  In my mind loud farters should get medals, they should be patted on the back and advised on dietary

matters whereas the silent dudes need to be lined up against a wall and shot. Well maybe not shot, but certainly shamed. Go and fart somewhere else you silent farting disgusting individual, yes we know you can't help it and we may well be in your same spot shortly. But for this present moment while the pungency has not dispersed you are the spawn of satan.

To tell the truth it all seems a little over dramatic if you ask me.

A memory of studying Pure Math

Many years ago I went to evening classes and studied Pure Maths.  It wasn't an easy subject, what made it worse was the fact I didn't have much in the way of math skills.  It was how I felt even though I'd done pretty well at O'Level and got a grade B, at A'Level things seemed quite a bit different. It was an entirely different kettle of fish to say the least. So rather than doing the course in two years it took three or maybe it was a one year course which took two, it doesn't matter much now. I did pass it and get a grade E, but that was one of the toughest grades to achieve. One of my math teachers was a small Indian man called Sam Roa. He wore shoes which looked two sizes too big, an oversized jacket, shirt and trousers. He looked a little odd, but he knew his math. He came to every lesson without a lesson plan and would teach straight out of his head. It seemed so often his lectures were unstructured and it was always difficult going from question to answer understanding what he was doing and  how he did it. They were the most frustrating lessons I every had. He seemed a nice enough man, he just didn't really get to grips with the understanding he had to help his pupils understand and go over things slowly and more thoroughly.

I don't know why he came to mind now, because it was many years ago and in all certainty he is likely to be dead, I was in my early twenties then. So it was going on thirty years.  Mr Roa looked old and I just couldn't tell you how old he was so this is why I think he is probably deceased now. The annoying thing was I really wanted to learn math, I had the motivation but it was like coming up against a brick wall. There were very few of us in his classes, if I remember rightly maybe only three pupils in the end sat the final lessons of the course. We all had problems understanding, except I recall for a chinese pupil who already had a talent for algebra and had decided he would just hit every question with algebra in it. Great for him but not for the rest of us. 

Still even today I have some pure math text books on the shelf and I wonder if I could of picked up those subjects better than I did those years ago. I wonder whether everything just gets forgotten and it never comes back again. Could I actually study and understand now? I don't know. Where has all that math gone?

It's all back to the routine again

Sometimes I find myself stuck in a rut, doing the same things again and again, feeling everything is routine and not changed. Weekends are particularly like this.  However so are evenings after getting back home from work. Prepare some food, eat watch TV, that's it. Like there is something missing. Sparkling would call me lazy it's true, my sanctuary room is a mess and needs a good tidy up. So I've pledged myself to gradually and psychologically try and remove things I've had a bond with. Things which are taking up space and collecting dust. I don't look at them and I don't read them or use them, they are often books and notes, but they can be anything at all. Such as a pot of about twenty different pens, and old pair of sun glasses, batteries galore, but most just need to be recharged, the list goes on.

Sundays are marked by a necessity to get up and get out on a walk. This will be between three and four hours. I go to a park which is two plus miles away, walk around the lake and then head to the supermarket.  A shop must then take place to get goods for next week's sandwiches. These will likely be, cheese some sliced meat, perhaps a couple of items to eat later in the evening when I return from work. A bunch of spring onions, cucumber and peppers. Mayo. Sometimes additional items are added whilst at other times I will find the sandwich supply is not as empty as it used to be so less is needed. But I will say one thing diet is a problem, having been raised thinking there is nothing wrong with carbohydrates and they should be eaten with nearly every meal. At which point it is so easy to slip into the carb need to consume. It's a little like opening flood gates when you get started it is hard to stop. Cakes as well as being sweet have carbs in them as well and sometimes one cake is not enough, the urge takes over and before you know it you're on a cake stuff festival all for one. The carb rush is not something which happens after I've eaten lunch, the carb thing kicks in during the evening which is the worst time of all to stuff yourself. And I know it while I am doing it, thinking to myself, I really should not be stuffing this second Danish pastry especially after being so good and walking to work all week.  But it still goes down quicker than you can say diet-fad.

The working week starts on Monday, I get up have breakfast, wash change and head out the door, it then continues like this again every single morning for five days of the week. Sometimes I take the bus to work, other times the train and just to add variety I walk the whole two and a bit miles which takes one hour to do. Almost to the minute I can time it. The walk is enjoyable because it forces me to just trudge again at a continuous pace and not let my mind be distracted, or just let it be distracted and be damned, it can go wherever it wants to go. Until the moment I have stepped in to the open planned building called the office. Which in its own right becomes a place to struggle with the travails of concentration whilst noise goes on all about me. I complain but am at the point of giving up, put in ear plugs and ear muffs on my head which in some cases only mildly attenuate the verbal chatter of those around me. Work levels increase, I struggle with them and then have to find a moment in myself to calm down.  It seems as though everything has become a routine again. Leave work return home, eat and then become vegtable material watching TV all evening.

Something has got to give, change inspire. Otherwise I'd say I am happy.

A dodgy knee

I hit the road for a walk again today, being it's Sunday and did about three hours. Though I'm not sure how many years of my life I got with the ability to walk.  Yep it's sad.  I got a funny knee. Each morning over the last week or so I've got up and the thing has clicked audibly every time I've walked up and down the stairs.  It's the left one. Given I've practically given up on going to see a general practitioner (doctor) for anything I'll just have to see until the point it is so bad it locks up and I have to go to a hospital. I figure out it is better to wait four or more hours in a waiting room than it is to try months on end to get a GP appointment.  Bloody sad fact is since the Tories have come into power the NHS and most other public services have been depleted into shadows of themselves.  So wobbly, clicking knee it will have to be. Maybe I'll think about private insurance and then go see someone once I've paid up a couple of months. I suppose it could be worse and would be if my leg dropped off, then I'd have to wait for a false leg and would be a one legged man.

The sun has come out today, and it is miraculous how a little sunshine can make you feel. It just makes you feel good very much like the song I'm Feeling Good by Nina Simone. But it's not just having sunshine it is feeling warm as well. Because lately it has felt like a chill is setting in. September is here after all so what more can be expected. It's close to my birthday so I'll be up in Scotland to see Sparkling Eyes and my second family. Now up north is a place where it does get cold and is a lot more noticeable than it is down South in London. They have had nothing but crap weather all summer. No wonder the Scots have got a reputation for being grumpy. I do my best to inoculate myself nowadays from being blue and like to indulge in funny videos on youtube. They even work against bad weather. Probably too well because all I do then is sit on my backside watching them and doing nothing else. The days will come round quick and I'll be on a train from Kings Cross on Friday. coasting along the East Coast, which should be publicly owned in my mind but has been unscrupulously sold off by the Tories again. Something they like to do is to sell the crown jewels and then their friends make lots of money in the privatisation process. They all think the sun shines out of their arses I guess they get upset on a day like this to find something quite bigger in the sky is out doing them.

It's odd lately but sometimes I get a bee in my bonnet about being active and doing things.  This always works while I am out walking.  It just kicks in with thoughts of all the things I should be doing and how I spend so much time enslaved to the internet. There's hundreds of things I should be getting on with and trying to accomplish. Better again to do those than stand still and get fat.  Saying this I think I've reached a plateau on my slow weight loss program.  I need to go up another step and stay on an under 12 stone progression. Hopefully it will help my knee and prevent the other one form clicking out as well. Of course it's the reduction in food which is the most painful part, for when you exercise as well it makes you want to eat more, as though to say exercising gives you a free pass card to continue eating crap.  But it doesn't. Exercise must be done for exercise sake and for the sake of becoming healthier. It is good to be able to breath better and get into my trousers as well.  Of course getting into someone else's trousers would not be the thing to do. I need to just get in my own and hope they are not too tight around the middle.  For it's the classic fat man belly syndrome I'm fighting against as well as losing my hair. Which probably sums it up. Get old, get fat and then lose your hair. There's got to be an alternative to all of this.  Yes, I need to get out again.  Come on old knee, lets see if we can make it up to the shops and don't worry belly for the Chinese is closed today.

Addicted to the net, learning the ukulele and tidying up

Occasionally I wonder if I am addicted to the internet.   I wonder this after spending a full day in the

house and not setting a single footstep outside of the house. Most of my time is spent just wasting life as I watch yet another Youtube video. Sometimes you can find the most recent blockbusters other times the choice of video may follow pop hits and end up with watching a scorpion and centipede fight, or some other wild animal fight another. I once saw a rabbit seek revenge on a snake which had just consumed it's young. She was the maddest rabbit I ever seen, but it makes sense if some snake has come along and eaten your kid you are going to get revenge.  Making it a generalised animal trait not just human. Although revenge for a human being may just as much be a dish served cold as one flaming hot.

I am teaching myself the ukulele and have been using Youtube videos to learn how to play. Usually they consist of people who teach songs. I enjoy it but my self learning is not structured enough sometimes it feels like I am not actually progressing and wish I had something more along the lines of structured guidance. Yet, when watching these teach yourself videos it's noticeable how there are different ways of teaching and different versions of pop songs. Some versions use the same chords some don't, perhaps to make it easier. Yet as I watch them and learn maybe a millimetre more of how to play I get the feeling something is missing or not correct. So then look for another video of the same song being played as a cover version on the ukulele or by another person teaching the same song. This can get confusing as I then get mixed up between one teacher's version and another's. When a song is converted from an instrument to another instrument there is no one right way it can be sung. This even applies to the same instrument. For example the song Riptide by Vance Joy. He sings this on a baritone ukulele, which is somewhat larger and lower pitched than the common old soprano ukulele. The thing is most people will possess a soprano ukulele not a baritone. The baritone's strings are also in different notes than the soprano.  Therefore
teaching videos for the soprano are in part adapted. The lowest notes you can get on a soprano are when the frets are not touched and they are open. So as soon as you put your fingers on the frets the notes get higher, which is not reflective of the lower strung baritone ukulele. The taught version will be different, which is all there is to it. Another example is the song Hey Soul Sister by the Rock band Train.  This is played by the band and a ukulele is used, however, Jimmy Stafford normally a guitar player got his special fender electric ukulele and then slightly re tuned it. Of course the only way to make a ukulele meaty is to electrify it then make sure the walls are reinforced. This means Jimmy's version of Hey Soul sister will be a little different to learn, unless of course you retune your ukulele. I guess he was a little lazy and because he knows music learnt to adapt the instrument to his ability to play the chords. Any uke player will tell you the E chord is a difficult one to get to grips with. Literally. speaking.

The internet is useful but it is addictive and doesn't lend to self discipline. I mean, a pop up box isn't going to jump up after 40 minutes with a message saying "Hey dude you are wasting your fecking life sitting there watching this shit, do something, get up off that fat arse and be a human." Now that would of been interesting if it did. If the giant corp Microsoft had taken into account what they had helped created was a monster which is slowly vegetating a lot of humanoids into lardy lumps.  I know I can't live my life like this.  I can't just sit here and do nothing and as the clock ticks by I still do nothing, even tidying my room would be a fine and progressive thing. I did at one time try and say to myself I should throw away a thing out of my room to help tidy it up as often as possible, and there is a hell of a lot of things in it. Be they books galore, clothes, stationary, and so on.  I thought about getting a flat bed scanner then the idea would of been to scan every book so it could be thrown away. As long as there was a copy and one which didn't take up the same amount of space. Strange how we like to surround ourself with stuff which ultimately just collects dust is used a few times and then neglected. Unlike Harvey my ukulele, who gets picked up and used most days. Yes he's a slut and I'm
sure he likes it when I give him a chunk or two.

The thing is you have to move forward in life, it is necessary to be going somewhere, doing something. Mostly for me this has been trying to better my self education. Yet with all these books reading them and then putting into practice the lessons they teach are different things. Indeed sometimes they don't teach lessons at all the talk about stuff which has happened but may only be applicable in the very specific circumstances that same stuff did happen. I know doing one thing is boring, such as reading a book, so it is not normal for me to immerse myself in a single book at the behest of everything else.  A little bit of ukulele and a overly large bit of the internet is happening.  It is for me to get myself out of this diabolical situation because that bloody pop up sign just isn't working at the moment. I remember there was one time when your browser would be hijacked by advertising sites and before you knew it twenty or thirty browser windows would be open trying to sell you anything from artichokes to zebras, which is an exaggeration but you know what I mean. I didn't put sex because this is a given.

Well since January 2015 I have been doing something proactive. During a little part of my day. It has

been walking and remarkable have lost about 20 pounds in weight. Though it doesn't always feel it.  But the walking is only a small part of my day, given part of the day is spent sleeping I'm just not getting VFM (Value for money) for the rest of it. Like the TV the internet is probably one of the best and one of the worst things ever invented, and like the TV we have become puppets to the puppet masters. I got to get out of this rut. Switch the damn thing off, anything and find my new purpose. One of my own making. 

The ukulele walking playing guru has left the house.

Not quite talking - Princess J

Princess J is approaching a point of talking, not quite there but almost there. She will be stringing even more sentences along in the next few months. She is also the most loud little Princess ever, especially when she does not get her own way. Such as ice creams and chocolate eggs which she seems to be addicted to, she also has in unbelievable amount of energy never stopping.

While outside entertaining Princess J, which is the only thing adults are useful for in her eyes I learnt how to run after her with a skipping rope. She held one end and I held the other, she would then run up and down a strip of grass with me behind her. For some reason this was a very funny thing to do, she loved it. Whereas poor 50 plus man was absolutely shattered on account of not getting much sleep the previous night, getting up about 3 a.m. because the cat wanted out. But it don't matter because when I'm in Scotland it seems I'm everyone bitch. Sparkling eyes is constantly reminding me how exhausting and wonderful it is to be a human entertainment centre for Princess J.  Sparkling enjoys seeing Princess J develop with her own character, and there's one thing for sure Princess J has a loud personality.

For example, when Rock Chick (mum) had promised the Princess a ice lolly after tea it was as a means of bargaining to get Princess J to eat her tea. Unfortunately the freezer had no ice lollies left. At this point Princesses expectations were dashed on the rocks and a full meltdown ensued. It was bloody, loud and involved a lot of crying and screaming.  The poor thing really doesn't like to be disappointed. Sparkling (nan) saved the moment, and put on her firm and obedient voice, telling the little Princess to be calm she would go and get some lollies and be back shortly. In fact she told Princess to stay by the window and watch her as she went to the shop and came back.  Returning from the shop Sparkling stood outside the window and showed Princess the box of ice lollies. Princess J was then very happy and her meltdown had passed. Another time as the Princess had a melt down Sparkling again put on her authority voice put the Princess in her bedroom and left her there. The Princess being a little unhappy with this bashed her door and then threw herself on her bed as if exhausted. After all, such loud and energetic emotions must take it out of you. She had calmed down and went into stroppy mode.

I think the emotional and terrible two's people talk about are due to toddlers not being able to fully express themselves in speech.  They get frustrated and they also don't understand concepts or realities, they have what Freud would say all Id and a bit of Ego.  The Id being the basic raw desires to be satisfied. Well that's my interpretation. Princess J is so funny in many ways and she is such a joy to everyone around her, but she does have a little devil side to and doesn't do as she is told. Which is only right as well got for even as adults none of us like to be told what to do, more so as a child.

As for me I am pops and Princess J has me round her little finger. She's beautiful.