Flatulenence or the farts to anyone else

Flatulence is one of those nice words given to an act which can result in people fleeing your vicinity, fast. I once read if you needed to get somewhere in a crowded room fast to pretend you were about to puke. It is a small snippet of information picked up from Hunter Thompson's book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is all about getting high on drugs.  Now puking is considered something which can not help because you are either ill or drunk and to do so in public I'd hope was down to being sick. There is a sympathy element because everybody has puked once in a while and it is not a nice thing to do. Similarly everybody farts every single day and several times a day. I used to think my partner Sparkling Eyes never farted at all, I don't know how she did it but I found out she did as you always do when you are male and a female tries to hide something away about herself but is going to come out at some time or other. Regardless, it didn't stop me thinking of her in a less respectful way, it meant my partner was human and not a lizard eating alien. What a relief. A little like the relief of an ever bloating stomach which eventual leads to one hell of an exploding fart. Which reminds me of work.

Farting monkeys

There are times when eating too many carbohydrates has a certain affect on the belly. It's not just about putting on weight it is for those sensitive persons who can help but let a rip roaring fart every now and again. Or maybe just letting lots and lots of little ones off like secret bombs. I must confess to doing the both of these on a regular basis when eating too many carbs. Particularly white carbs. Breads, cakes and rice are the biggest culprits. On these occasions there is no alternative but to go to the toilet as frequently as possible during the day. Drink as much liquids as I can and just keep on visiting. I therefore would be no good as an individual who is glued to their seat in a job which would not let me roam about free as the wind once in a while. The worst thing of all is working in an office with a majority of women in it. For women are sensitive to smells, they are always putting on perfumes and I must admit to finding the odd whiff of perfume sprayed nearby which heads my direction. Even this week I thought one of them had must of puffed their fumes on my shoulder as I sat there diligently working and doing my best not to let the explosive farts explode. The problem being that loud farts are like someone with one of those incredibly large foam hands and a finger pointing, just walking along and then pointing it directly at your arse. Everybody knows. Hence running to the toilet as often as possible, taking a short sit down break and just ripping away. What a flipping relief.  It's at times like this the individual sitting in the next cubicle who is more concerned with the smart phone than their guts gets up an leaves. The toilet is the appropriate place for farts and anything else arse wise but it is not a comfy seat to sit down catch up with text messages or playing another level on a game you're addicted. But yet there are employees who disappear off to the loo just for this reason and I must admit to it being a pet hate. If they are going to sit there and read the latest football scores I am going to sit there and make it as unpleasant as I can with a big exploding fart. See how long the footy interests you then Pal!  What a waste of space.

So inherently human beings fart and I don't know why it is considered disgusting. Except of course for the pungent ones, we all do it, it is a natural fact of life.  Further it is not just humans who fart, every animal under the sun farts. We've all had pet dogs or cats who would lay there sleeping as if butter would not melt in their mouth, being so very cute suddenly let of a fart. My wonderful old cat Tigger was a right old wind bag as he got aged.  He was beautiful but boy those purrs came at an expense.  The same happens when your dog is allowed in the bed room just as want to get a little more sleep.  Dogs eat anything so in respect they are going to fart a lot. 

Some diets will make you more prone to farting and for me it is the carbs I have no doubt in it. And the baked beans eaten late one evening only to reappear in another form the entire next day. We are not taught what to eat and how to eat as we grow up. We don't know what a balanced diet is, our national dishes are full of carbs and the national vegetable is pure carb. Perhaps it is to do with the microbial flora and forna of the gut, not being quite up to scratch in some instances. Then surely you'd of thought there would be a yoghurt drink to replace all those important microbes and get the gut back in to working fashion but not as gaseous.  If the smell was taken away then farting would be a minor inconvenience and nobody would say a thing. But there is discrimination against farters, it is especially held against those who cant help it and have exploding arses.  People turn their head when they hear the sound, the rip, the roar and they expect their air space to be shortly invaded. This discrimination is unfair because the deadly and silent get away with it. Nobody knows who they are, and they sit there hidden smile on their face never owning up to the stink bomb they just let off.  In my mind loud farters should get medals, they should be patted on the back and advised on dietary

matters whereas the silent dudes need to be lined up against a wall and shot. Well maybe not shot, but certainly shamed. Go and fart somewhere else you silent farting disgusting individual, yes we know you can't help it and we may well be in your same spot shortly. But for this present moment while the pungency has not dispersed you are the spawn of satan.

To tell the truth it all seems a little over dramatic if you ask me.