Cola and insomnia a couple of lovers

Waking up again in the early hours of the morning is a pain. As usual it becomes a matter of deduction and trying to reason what the cause was this time. Besides not getting enough exercise I have come to the notion it is drinking Cola in the evening. Because of the caffine content. Like this morning for example. At 3 a.m. I wake up, the bed is hot because there's a lot of covers and it's prepped for winter, consciousness is like a ice bucket challenge. Yet the usual tossing and turning kicks in, with a search for just the right position which will allow sleep to touch my eyes and body. It doesn't. I'm farting and awake. Maybe the coke has too much gas in it, maybe I have too much gas. But I can't sleep. At this point it is ludicrous just to lay there when nothing is happening. Weird shit is going on, shit I can't seem to control. I get tired in the middle of the day and could drop off like a log just after lunch, yet at night in a comfy bed sleep is elusively stolen away. Like a very early morning alarm clock that small caffine hit has come back to haunt me a few hours later.

I noticed this at first when I was drinking three tins of diet cola in the evenings. Not all the time, just when the fancy took me and the thirst had to be quenched. So I dropped it down to two tins at most, even when I wanted to get nice and merry with a dash or two of JD.  Then last night it was dropped to a single tin of cola, but yet here I am awakening at 3 a.m. again. Time passes and getting fed up of laying in bed I now write a blog at half four in the morning. What is going on? What is this thing which is making me cranky?

Shortly sleep may jump on my shoulder and stroke my brow. It will try and influence me to return to bed, a maiden of comfort leading me into a land of dreams. Except of course nowadays it feels like I barely dream. I know I do but I just don't remember any of them. They are too weird, which could well be some kind of psychological complex of inducted amnesia. An instruction which says when you wake up that shit will be instantly forgotten. I wouldn't mind remember if it was the reason why I got insomnia, even a bad dream gives a reason. But there is no residual it's just consciousness piercing through the world of somnambulance.  Damn that cola, get thee behind me cola, for thou are the taker of my dreams and I will persecute you when I next fall asleep.

I just hope it's pretty soon.

My socks caused this damn insomnia again

Drinking a number of Jack Daniels and coke put me in a slightly intoxicated sleep. Not too many drinks just enough. It was good because I didn't have to lay there and think crap, head hit the pillow and off to lala land. Nothing to do with the telly tubbies either. However at about 3 a.m. I awoke, so the four hours of somnambulism had been snatched away. Gently a waft of something smelly seemed to be tickling my nose. It was bad enough to just lay there and realise sleep was not going to happen again but to understand this waft was from me, or because of me. From yesterday. My socks to be precise. Now in a imaginary world where dreams are of the weirdest kind those very socks would of done a favour and walked off on their own, like the mops from Disney's Magician's Apprentice. They would of found the dirty laundary basked and dived in there all of their own accord. For it would of been the right thing to do. However, socks are evil, they do not have the power to get up and walk to the dirty washing pile, instead they will lay on the floor where last left and fester in the previous day's sweat and bacteria. Slowly and surely letting their presence known throw the reminder of their odour. This is what happened at 4 a.m. and makes me get up to write this bloody BLOG.

What is it about 4 a.m. in the morning? It is a time when going back to sleep is absolutely essential to ensure you are bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning, but it is also one of those times when the pressure is on because if sleep does not come in an instant it will mean it is unlikely to come at all. Just laying there trying desperately not to move, or if it is necessary to move then to find the perfect position where sleep will return. Yet the bed is too hot, it feels uncomfortable, there is a itching devil in your mind jumping up and down on the cerebellum giving it a right kicking and not letting nature take it's course. Mind this may well be down to drinking too much coke and about now the effects of the alcohol have worn of but the effects of too much caffine are kicking in. So by the time you do get up about 8 a.m. then you're feeling like shit and want to go to bed again but can't because the law of humanity says it is time to get up and move your blooming arse, things need to be done.

I've not been walking so much this week. Which is odd why I should be woken up by the smell of my socks. For walking gives them a reason to be worn out and stinky. Taking the bus or the train into work most days and returning the same way has my preferred modus operandi. It is a form of lazyness when lazyness doesn't strike at night. It really is something I should sleep on, oh except I can't sleep on it, not at the moment anyway. I used to think walking was a boring thing to do and it was something the unfit people did, the ones who could not get to a gym, who were fat and said they walked as a way to ease their conscience. Now I'm older, fatter and unfit I to walk to ease my conscience and become a hypocrite to my younger self. The slimmer self who slept very well, the slimmer self who didn't drink too much coke or eat too much and had more head on his head. But such is the way of the world and getting older. Such is the way of invidious nocturnal very early morning awakenings and writings of words in blogs which never get read by anyone but are a reminder to humanity that one awake individual did write something down. Even if it was for himself and in order to ease his awoke nonsleeping mind, which very much would like to sleep.

Think I'll go and lay down now, but I can't sleep because I need to get up shortly. And maybe sort those socks out.

Flatulenence or the farts to anyone else

Flatulence is one of those nice words given to an act which can result in people fleeing your vicinity, fast. I once read if you needed to get somewhere in a crowded room fast to pretend you were about to puke. It is a small snippet of information picked up from Hunter Thompson's book Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is all about getting high on drugs.  Now puking is considered something which can not help because you are either ill or drunk and to do so in public I'd hope was down to being sick. There is a sympathy element because everybody has puked once in a while and it is not a nice thing to do. Similarly everybody farts every single day and several times a day. I used to think my partner Sparkling Eyes never farted at all, I don't know how she did it but I found out she did as you always do when you are male and a female tries to hide something away about herself but is going to come out at some time or other. Regardless, it didn't stop me thinking of her in a less respectful way, it meant my partner was human and not a lizard eating alien. What a relief. A little like the relief of an ever bloating stomach which eventual leads to one hell of an exploding fart. Which reminds me of work.

Farting monkeys

There are times when eating too many carbohydrates has a certain affect on the belly. It's not just about putting on weight it is for those sensitive persons who can help but let a rip roaring fart every now and again. Or maybe just letting lots and lots of little ones off like secret bombs. I must confess to doing the both of these on a regular basis when eating too many carbs. Particularly white carbs. Breads, cakes and rice are the biggest culprits. On these occasions there is no alternative but to go to the toilet as frequently as possible during the day. Drink as much liquids as I can and just keep on visiting. I therefore would be no good as an individual who is glued to their seat in a job which would not let me roam about free as the wind once in a while. The worst thing of all is working in an office with a majority of women in it. For women are sensitive to smells, they are always putting on perfumes and I must admit to finding the odd whiff of perfume sprayed nearby which heads my direction. Even this week I thought one of them had must of puffed their fumes on my shoulder as I sat there diligently working and doing my best not to let the explosive farts explode. The problem being that loud farts are like someone with one of those incredibly large foam hands and a finger pointing, just walking along and then pointing it directly at your arse. Everybody knows. Hence running to the toilet as often as possible, taking a short sit down break and just ripping away. What a flipping relief.  It's at times like this the individual sitting in the next cubicle who is more concerned with the smart phone than their guts gets up an leaves. The toilet is the appropriate place for farts and anything else arse wise but it is not a comfy seat to sit down catch up with text messages or playing another level on a game you're addicted. But yet there are employees who disappear off to the loo just for this reason and I must admit to it being a pet hate. If they are going to sit there and read the latest football scores I am going to sit there and make it as unpleasant as I can with a big exploding fart. See how long the footy interests you then Pal!  What a waste of space.

So inherently human beings fart and I don't know why it is considered disgusting. Except of course for the pungent ones, we all do it, it is a natural fact of life.  Further it is not just humans who fart, every animal under the sun farts. We've all had pet dogs or cats who would lay there sleeping as if butter would not melt in their mouth, being so very cute suddenly let of a fart. My wonderful old cat Tigger was a right old wind bag as he got aged.  He was beautiful but boy those purrs came at an expense.  The same happens when your dog is allowed in the bed room just as want to get a little more sleep.  Dogs eat anything so in respect they are going to fart a lot. 

Some diets will make you more prone to farting and for me it is the carbs I have no doubt in it. And the baked beans eaten late one evening only to reappear in another form the entire next day. We are not taught what to eat and how to eat as we grow up. We don't know what a balanced diet is, our national dishes are full of carbs and the national vegetable is pure carb. Perhaps it is to do with the microbial flora and forna of the gut, not being quite up to scratch in some instances. Then surely you'd of thought there would be a yoghurt drink to replace all those important microbes and get the gut back in to working fashion but not as gaseous.  If the smell was taken away then farting would be a minor inconvenience and nobody would say a thing. But there is discrimination against farters, it is especially held against those who cant help it and have exploding arses.  People turn their head when they hear the sound, the rip, the roar and they expect their air space to be shortly invaded. This discrimination is unfair because the deadly and silent get away with it. Nobody knows who they are, and they sit there hidden smile on their face never owning up to the stink bomb they just let off.  In my mind loud farters should get medals, they should be patted on the back and advised on dietary

matters whereas the silent dudes need to be lined up against a wall and shot. Well maybe not shot, but certainly shamed. Go and fart somewhere else you silent farting disgusting individual, yes we know you can't help it and we may well be in your same spot shortly. But for this present moment while the pungency has not dispersed you are the spawn of satan.

To tell the truth it all seems a little over dramatic if you ask me.

A memory of studying Pure Math

Many years ago I went to evening classes and studied Pure Maths.  It wasn't an easy subject, what made it worse was the fact I didn't have much in the way of math skills.  It was how I felt even though I'd done pretty well at O'Level and got a grade B, at A'Level things seemed quite a bit different. It was an entirely different kettle of fish to say the least. So rather than doing the course in two years it took three or maybe it was a one year course which took two, it doesn't matter much now. I did pass it and get a grade E, but that was one of the toughest grades to achieve. One of my math teachers was a small Indian man called Sam Roa. He wore shoes which looked two sizes too big, an oversized jacket, shirt and trousers. He looked a little odd, but he knew his math. He came to every lesson without a lesson plan and would teach straight out of his head. It seemed so often his lectures were unstructured and it was always difficult going from question to answer understanding what he was doing and  how he did it. They were the most frustrating lessons I every had. He seemed a nice enough man, he just didn't really get to grips with the understanding he had to help his pupils understand and go over things slowly and more thoroughly.

I don't know why he came to mind now, because it was many years ago and in all certainty he is likely to be dead, I was in my early twenties then. So it was going on thirty years.  Mr Roa looked old and I just couldn't tell you how old he was so this is why I think he is probably deceased now. The annoying thing was I really wanted to learn math, I had the motivation but it was like coming up against a brick wall. There were very few of us in his classes, if I remember rightly maybe only three pupils in the end sat the final lessons of the course. We all had problems understanding, except I recall for a chinese pupil who already had a talent for algebra and had decided he would just hit every question with algebra in it. Great for him but not for the rest of us. 

Still even today I have some pure math text books on the shelf and I wonder if I could of picked up those subjects better than I did those years ago. I wonder whether everything just gets forgotten and it never comes back again. Could I actually study and understand now? I don't know. Where has all that math gone?

It's all back to the routine again

Sometimes I find myself stuck in a rut, doing the same things again and again, feeling everything is routine and not changed. Weekends are particularly like this.  However so are evenings after getting back home from work. Prepare some food, eat watch TV, that's it. Like there is something missing. Sparkling would call me lazy it's true, my sanctuary room is a mess and needs a good tidy up. So I've pledged myself to gradually and psychologically try and remove things I've had a bond with. Things which are taking up space and collecting dust. I don't look at them and I don't read them or use them, they are often books and notes, but they can be anything at all. Such as a pot of about twenty different pens, and old pair of sun glasses, batteries galore, but most just need to be recharged, the list goes on.

Sundays are marked by a necessity to get up and get out on a walk. This will be between three and four hours. I go to a park which is two plus miles away, walk around the lake and then head to the supermarket.  A shop must then take place to get goods for next week's sandwiches. These will likely be, cheese some sliced meat, perhaps a couple of items to eat later in the evening when I return from work. A bunch of spring onions, cucumber and peppers. Mayo. Sometimes additional items are added whilst at other times I will find the sandwich supply is not as empty as it used to be so less is needed. But I will say one thing diet is a problem, having been raised thinking there is nothing wrong with carbohydrates and they should be eaten with nearly every meal. At which point it is so easy to slip into the carb need to consume. It's a little like opening flood gates when you get started it is hard to stop. Cakes as well as being sweet have carbs in them as well and sometimes one cake is not enough, the urge takes over and before you know it you're on a cake stuff festival all for one. The carb rush is not something which happens after I've eaten lunch, the carb thing kicks in during the evening which is the worst time of all to stuff yourself. And I know it while I am doing it, thinking to myself, I really should not be stuffing this second Danish pastry especially after being so good and walking to work all week.  But it still goes down quicker than you can say diet-fad.

The working week starts on Monday, I get up have breakfast, wash change and head out the door, it then continues like this again every single morning for five days of the week. Sometimes I take the bus to work, other times the train and just to add variety I walk the whole two and a bit miles which takes one hour to do. Almost to the minute I can time it. The walk is enjoyable because it forces me to just trudge again at a continuous pace and not let my mind be distracted, or just let it be distracted and be damned, it can go wherever it wants to go. Until the moment I have stepped in to the open planned building called the office. Which in its own right becomes a place to struggle with the travails of concentration whilst noise goes on all about me. I complain but am at the point of giving up, put in ear plugs and ear muffs on my head which in some cases only mildly attenuate the verbal chatter of those around me. Work levels increase, I struggle with them and then have to find a moment in myself to calm down.  It seems as though everything has become a routine again. Leave work return home, eat and then become vegtable material watching TV all evening.

Something has got to give, change inspire. Otherwise I'd say I am happy.

A dodgy knee

I hit the road for a walk again today, being it's Sunday and did about three hours. Though I'm not sure how many years of my life I got with the ability to walk.  Yep it's sad.  I got a funny knee. Each morning over the last week or so I've got up and the thing has clicked audibly every time I've walked up and down the stairs.  It's the left one. Given I've practically given up on going to see a general practitioner (doctor) for anything I'll just have to see until the point it is so bad it locks up and I have to go to a hospital. I figure out it is better to wait four or more hours in a waiting room than it is to try months on end to get a GP appointment.  Bloody sad fact is since the Tories have come into power the NHS and most other public services have been depleted into shadows of themselves.  So wobbly, clicking knee it will have to be. Maybe I'll think about private insurance and then go see someone once I've paid up a couple of months. I suppose it could be worse and would be if my leg dropped off, then I'd have to wait for a false leg and would be a one legged man.

The sun has come out today, and it is miraculous how a little sunshine can make you feel. It just makes you feel good very much like the song I'm Feeling Good by Nina Simone. But it's not just having sunshine it is feeling warm as well. Because lately it has felt like a chill is setting in. September is here after all so what more can be expected. It's close to my birthday so I'll be up in Scotland to see Sparkling Eyes and my second family. Now up north is a place where it does get cold and is a lot more noticeable than it is down South in London. They have had nothing but crap weather all summer. No wonder the Scots have got a reputation for being grumpy. I do my best to inoculate myself nowadays from being blue and like to indulge in funny videos on youtube. They even work against bad weather. Probably too well because all I do then is sit on my backside watching them and doing nothing else. The days will come round quick and I'll be on a train from Kings Cross on Friday. coasting along the East Coast, which should be publicly owned in my mind but has been unscrupulously sold off by the Tories again. Something they like to do is to sell the crown jewels and then their friends make lots of money in the privatisation process. They all think the sun shines out of their arses I guess they get upset on a day like this to find something quite bigger in the sky is out doing them.

It's odd lately but sometimes I get a bee in my bonnet about being active and doing things.  This always works while I am out walking.  It just kicks in with thoughts of all the things I should be doing and how I spend so much time enslaved to the internet. There's hundreds of things I should be getting on with and trying to accomplish. Better again to do those than stand still and get fat.  Saying this I think I've reached a plateau on my slow weight loss program.  I need to go up another step and stay on an under 12 stone progression. Hopefully it will help my knee and prevent the other one form clicking out as well. Of course it's the reduction in food which is the most painful part, for when you exercise as well it makes you want to eat more, as though to say exercising gives you a free pass card to continue eating crap.  But it doesn't. Exercise must be done for exercise sake and for the sake of becoming healthier. It is good to be able to breath better and get into my trousers as well.  Of course getting into someone else's trousers would not be the thing to do. I need to just get in my own and hope they are not too tight around the middle.  For it's the classic fat man belly syndrome I'm fighting against as well as losing my hair. Which probably sums it up. Get old, get fat and then lose your hair. There's got to be an alternative to all of this.  Yes, I need to get out again.  Come on old knee, lets see if we can make it up to the shops and don't worry belly for the Chinese is closed today.

Addicted to the net, learning the ukulele and tidying up

Occasionally I wonder if I am addicted to the internet.   I wonder this after spending a full day in the

house and not setting a single footstep outside of the house. Most of my time is spent just wasting life as I watch yet another Youtube video. Sometimes you can find the most recent blockbusters other times the choice of video may follow pop hits and end up with watching a scorpion and centipede fight, or some other wild animal fight another. I once saw a rabbit seek revenge on a snake which had just consumed it's young. She was the maddest rabbit I ever seen, but it makes sense if some snake has come along and eaten your kid you are going to get revenge.  Making it a generalised animal trait not just human. Although revenge for a human being may just as much be a dish served cold as one flaming hot.

I am teaching myself the ukulele and have been using Youtube videos to learn how to play. Usually they consist of people who teach songs. I enjoy it but my self learning is not structured enough sometimes it feels like I am not actually progressing and wish I had something more along the lines of structured guidance. Yet, when watching these teach yourself videos it's noticeable how there are different ways of teaching and different versions of pop songs. Some versions use the same chords some don't, perhaps to make it easier. Yet as I watch them and learn maybe a millimetre more of how to play I get the feeling something is missing or not correct. So then look for another video of the same song being played as a cover version on the ukulele or by another person teaching the same song. This can get confusing as I then get mixed up between one teacher's version and another's. When a song is converted from an instrument to another instrument there is no one right way it can be sung. This even applies to the same instrument. For example the song Riptide by Vance Joy. He sings this on a baritone ukulele, which is somewhat larger and lower pitched than the common old soprano ukulele. The thing is most people will possess a soprano ukulele not a baritone. The baritone's strings are also in different notes than the soprano.  Therefore
teaching videos for the soprano are in part adapted. The lowest notes you can get on a soprano are when the frets are not touched and they are open. So as soon as you put your fingers on the frets the notes get higher, which is not reflective of the lower strung baritone ukulele. The taught version will be different, which is all there is to it. Another example is the song Hey Soul Sister by the Rock band Train.  This is played by the band and a ukulele is used, however, Jimmy Stafford normally a guitar player got his special fender electric ukulele and then slightly re tuned it. Of course the only way to make a ukulele meaty is to electrify it then make sure the walls are reinforced. This means Jimmy's version of Hey Soul sister will be a little different to learn, unless of course you retune your ukulele. I guess he was a little lazy and because he knows music learnt to adapt the instrument to his ability to play the chords. Any uke player will tell you the E chord is a difficult one to get to grips with. Literally. speaking.

The internet is useful but it is addictive and doesn't lend to self discipline. I mean, a pop up box isn't going to jump up after 40 minutes with a message saying "Hey dude you are wasting your fecking life sitting there watching this shit, do something, get up off that fat arse and be a human." Now that would of been interesting if it did. If the giant corp Microsoft had taken into account what they had helped created was a monster which is slowly vegetating a lot of humanoids into lardy lumps.  I know I can't live my life like this.  I can't just sit here and do nothing and as the clock ticks by I still do nothing, even tidying my room would be a fine and progressive thing. I did at one time try and say to myself I should throw away a thing out of my room to help tidy it up as often as possible, and there is a hell of a lot of things in it. Be they books galore, clothes, stationary, and so on.  I thought about getting a flat bed scanner then the idea would of been to scan every book so it could be thrown away. As long as there was a copy and one which didn't take up the same amount of space. Strange how we like to surround ourself with stuff which ultimately just collects dust is used a few times and then neglected. Unlike Harvey my ukulele, who gets picked up and used most days. Yes he's a slut and I'm
sure he likes it when I give him a chunk or two.

The thing is you have to move forward in life, it is necessary to be going somewhere, doing something. Mostly for me this has been trying to better my self education. Yet with all these books reading them and then putting into practice the lessons they teach are different things. Indeed sometimes they don't teach lessons at all the talk about stuff which has happened but may only be applicable in the very specific circumstances that same stuff did happen. I know doing one thing is boring, such as reading a book, so it is not normal for me to immerse myself in a single book at the behest of everything else.  A little bit of ukulele and a overly large bit of the internet is happening.  It is for me to get myself out of this diabolical situation because that bloody pop up sign just isn't working at the moment. I remember there was one time when your browser would be hijacked by advertising sites and before you knew it twenty or thirty browser windows would be open trying to sell you anything from artichokes to zebras, which is an exaggeration but you know what I mean. I didn't put sex because this is a given.

Well since January 2015 I have been doing something proactive. During a little part of my day. It has

been walking and remarkable have lost about 20 pounds in weight. Though it doesn't always feel it.  But the walking is only a small part of my day, given part of the day is spent sleeping I'm just not getting VFM (Value for money) for the rest of it. Like the TV the internet is probably one of the best and one of the worst things ever invented, and like the TV we have become puppets to the puppet masters. I got to get out of this rut. Switch the damn thing off, anything and find my new purpose. One of my own making. 

The ukulele walking playing guru has left the house.

Not quite talking - Princess J

Princess J is approaching a point of talking, not quite there but almost there. She will be stringing even more sentences along in the next few months. She is also the most loud little Princess ever, especially when she does not get her own way. Such as ice creams and chocolate eggs which she seems to be addicted to, she also has in unbelievable amount of energy never stopping.

While outside entertaining Princess J, which is the only thing adults are useful for in her eyes I learnt how to run after her with a skipping rope. She held one end and I held the other, she would then run up and down a strip of grass with me behind her. For some reason this was a very funny thing to do, she loved it. Whereas poor 50 plus man was absolutely shattered on account of not getting much sleep the previous night, getting up about 3 a.m. because the cat wanted out. But it don't matter because when I'm in Scotland it seems I'm everyone bitch. Sparkling eyes is constantly reminding me how exhausting and wonderful it is to be a human entertainment centre for Princess J.  Sparkling enjoys seeing Princess J develop with her own character, and there's one thing for sure Princess J has a loud personality.

For example, when Rock Chick (mum) had promised the Princess a ice lolly after tea it was as a means of bargaining to get Princess J to eat her tea. Unfortunately the freezer had no ice lollies left. At this point Princesses expectations were dashed on the rocks and a full meltdown ensued. It was bloody, loud and involved a lot of crying and screaming.  The poor thing really doesn't like to be disappointed. Sparkling (nan) saved the moment, and put on her firm and obedient voice, telling the little Princess to be calm she would go and get some lollies and be back shortly. In fact she told Princess to stay by the window and watch her as she went to the shop and came back.  Returning from the shop Sparkling stood outside the window and showed Princess the box of ice lollies. Princess J was then very happy and her meltdown had passed. Another time as the Princess had a melt down Sparkling again put on her authority voice put the Princess in her bedroom and left her there. The Princess being a little unhappy with this bashed her door and then threw herself on her bed as if exhausted. After all, such loud and energetic emotions must take it out of you. She had calmed down and went into stroppy mode.

I think the emotional and terrible two's people talk about are due to toddlers not being able to fully express themselves in speech.  They get frustrated and they also don't understand concepts or realities, they have what Freud would say all Id and a bit of Ego.  The Id being the basic raw desires to be satisfied. Well that's my interpretation. Princess J is so funny in many ways and she is such a joy to everyone around her, but she does have a little devil side to and doesn't do as she is told. Which is only right as well got for even as adults none of us like to be told what to do, more so as a child.

As for me I am pops and Princess J has me round her little finger. She's beautiful.

Ukulele playing as a habit

I have now been playing Harvey (ukulele) for between two and three years. It was one of those things
I've always wanted to do, play an instrument not in particular the uke.  Getting some advice from someone who knew about these things he suggested the uke. It had been playing on my conscience for about a year where I didn't actually get one.  The I told Sparkling I wanted a uke and she got me Bertha for Christmas.  Bertha was my first uke. I've only got the two, but Bertha has pride of place as the first, she is a sexy fat looking soprano, black and glossed.  After a mad few months of playing Bertha the finger tips on my left hand developed callouses and I lost some feeling because of it. It didn't matter because I enjoyed playing her.  In the first days I was picking her up and playing serious periods of time between five and eight hours.  There was just so much to learn and there still is so much to learn.  But I am settled into an understanding this is something which will take time and I will get there and get to the standard I want to be.  I still can not read music, but am not worried too much as my belief is to get real practice and real play time first. It will all eventually come together, I've tipped my toes into the waters of reading tabalature which is a little like real music but not quite there.

So now, if I can most evenings I will try and get about one  hours' play on Harvey. There are some days where I don't get to practice and there are other days where I get more than an hour worth of practice, but I'm still guessing to average an hour or perhaps a little more. Especially considering those early crazy days.  Even now at weekends I will try and fit in more than an hour on Harvey each day.  It is so much fun just playing and also singing along to a song I've listened to and digested from Youtube.  Youtube is great as I watch tutorials put on there from people who know a lot more than I do. Sometimes I will just trawl other peoples's cover versions of a song to see how they have interpreted them.  Learning to play an instrument and learning to sing with it at the same time is an incredibly difficult feat, especially if you have no experience of it before.  Talk about rubbing my tummy and patting my head.  It has been more like rubbing my tummy, patting my head, walking a tight rope and watching milk while it is on the boil.  There is so much to understand about timing and getting the lyrics right.  About understanding the strum pattern how it might change in a song or how not to strum.  Sometimes it is about not strumming or killing the music, just for a moment so you can move on.

As for the brain well, playing a musical instrument is the most demanding and exciting thing a brain can do. Apparently there is a firework of neurons going off when the whole thing is put together. Which sounds like something to beat off the old age senility factor or a 50 plus year old.  My hair may go grow thin and grey, it may even sprout out of my ear holes but at least the brain is still active and working like a finely tuned ukulele.

Playing Harvey has become a habit a wonderful habit I love very much, different from most anything else I have done in my life. Sometimes you just have to do something very different. It makes me feel good and happy as well.  In the very early days I would sit there strumming away and laughing my head off because my vocal tuning was so wrong and timing was ridiculous.  Fortunately slight improvement after slight improvement has meant I can now play a recognisable song.  I might not be laughing at myself as much but I sure do love and enjoy it.

So if you like doing something which gives satisfaction and enjoyment and does not harm other people, then go ahead and do it.  Pick up a uke and a new adventure will begin, oh and it helps if the neighbours don't mind.

The shites

Well a moment ago I found out I got the shites, full blow shites, it's the runniest diarrhea in the world.  It could mean I'll not piss for a week because I'll be shitting myself instead. The worst thing of all is the pong, dam it is pungent, it's the kind of pungent stink which could be used in warfare. I could take a sample and send it to the Minostry of Defence, they will thank me for it later.  It don't kill just inflicts such a need to cover your nose no known soldier can get away from it.  It would a very real shit bomb. Defence markets would want it all over the world, so effective crowds instantly disperse and are unlikely to go in the vicinity for several hours. What the hell I've eaten to make this feeling come over I just don't know. Maybe it was the coconut sponge cake before lunch, or perhaps the mayo in my sandwich was off. Alternatively it could of been the home made pakoras a colleague at work had bought into the office.  My mouth is as dry as Tutan Karmens arm pit and his wife's as well. I'm dying for a drink but at the same time have a fear it is going to exit by the arse. (Short interruption) Damn that's four times already this evening.

However there were clues something wasn't right. At lunch time I felt pangs in my belly, they hurt. My gut felt funny, it felt not right. Still this didn't stop me from walking home from work. It was a two and a half mile walk, possibly three. The sun was out, it's a lovely day in London for sure, so why not walk you would think. There must of been an angel on my should with a butt plug, he must been a brave angel with the prospect of getting himself fully covered in shite.  But it worked, I didn't feel a need to walk faster or run home or to even let loose like a cannon ball. Instead the explosion just sat there in my belly.  I didn't feel like eating or drinking so probably delayed it a little longer. Took a short nap just over 30 minutes and then watched some Youtube. But my gut had an ache in it and it had the tell tale rumble feeling. Something was not right, something was not right at all. So the little room was visited.

Kaboom, what an explosion there was an instant relief as my inflated belly had lost pressure.  Then there was the stink. Fortunately through biological necessity us human beings can pretty much tolerate the stink of our own defecation.  However, I knew this was something different it was violent and if I had gone into a toilet after such a stink there would of been either blue language or I'd turn around and go out searching for another toilet.

I am feeling somewhat on the edge of dizziness all the time now and thirsdy, I could drink a gallon of juice but doing so would be very unwise. Instead a hot cup of lemon.  It's not good feeling like this it is fortunate the experience is infrequent. In a paranoia I did a google search to see if there was something to diagnose or cure it. At which point the move from paranoia to hypochondria took place. Google should be outlawed for people with the shites or any symptoms of an illness which could be serious and have diarrhoea as one of them. On a positive note, if I don't each much this weekend I'll be losing weight and could be dropping down to less than 12 stone.  It would be an achievement losing a stone and half in eight months.

In the end even if you have the shites there's a plus side.

Hypocrisy as a defence

I am like any other human being guilty of hypocrisy, in my last BLOG I wrote about the things which stop you doing what you want to do and ways to overcome them. Yet, yesterday was one of the most time wasting days I could of had.  It rained in the morning which put a dampner on going out for the usual long Sunday walk. I could of taken off in the afternoon but didn't. Though I did cook a dinner which was probably the most productive thing achieved all day. What I could of done was write a To-Do list and then started doing some of those things that were on it.  In fact if ever in need of doing something a To-Do list is like a guiding light in the fog it leads the way. Of course one of the other things necessary is having the motivation. This is what differentiates the doers from the not doers.  If you have motivation then a lot can be achieved. Sometimes just like in the same way I lose weight the option To-Do something has to be tackled a small bit at a time. Just one small item as part of the whole to change the way things are. Then if all those small items are added up they become one very big thing achieved.  Yesterday I watched too much You-tube and think I have an addiction problem.  Blaming the rain is probably going over the top, rain hardly makes someone just sit on their arse all day and watch you-tube.  They say the first thing with tackling an addiction is recognising you have one, "I am an addict" my name is Mr Addicted to you-tube I need help.  I am a hypocrite and want to change my life.  One step at a time son, one step.  It will all fall in place or you'll get square eyes and be abandoned by your friends and family.  Shite I realised I don't get on with my family and have no friends.  This is serious, I need to look for the solution to this problem. Or as the Chinese say every problem is an opportunity. I should of been born Chinese then maybe I'd have more friends, more family and more impetus to get off my fat arse and do something. 

I walked to work today and I walked home, each way is just over two miles so it probably totals slightly over 400 calories in all. While walking home someone shouted out in a passing car.  There was nobody else about, the road was narrow so it could of been me they were shouting to, I don't know if it was a derogatory shout or a friendly shout, but in all probability it was the shout of some idiot in a car who needs attention. Perhaps he needed a friend, now if he'd of stopped then a problem could of become an opportunity. Either that or I got my head kicked in. I say this because I live in London and depending on what part of London you live in the neighbourhood will have a certain feel to it, it has this aura.  You can tell by watching the news TV and seeing how many times a year your particular neighbourhood pops up.  Of course it also pops up in the national news papers as well as the local rags.  In the last week or so these are some of the things which hit the headlines: a fight broke out at a 24 hours supermarket, a group of young shopper was video'd and it was put on social media, a young man (young again) died inhaling nitrous oxide an ambulance came but they could not resuscitate at the doors to a block of flats (apartment buildings to Americans). Another man was arrested while trying to escape police but he didn't want to get arrested so stabbed two of the officers.  A motorcyclist died while racing his bike with an estimated twenty other bikers on a main road.  There are other articles but these are the most recent ones.  News like this is sensationalised in the press and so it gives you a kind of feeling about the area you live in, and my feeling is it's maybe not the poshest neighbourhood in the world.  Oh well at least it is entertaining.

All in all spending Sunday indoors with You-tube might of been the safest option after all.  At least there was no danger of getting physically assaulted unless it was tidying up my own room and a book falling on my head. Which didn't happen because it would of been something to talk about.  I suppose when you live in a area like this going on a round the world adventure back packing tourist thing is probably less likely to be as dangerous. Until the euro drops like a stone and Europe descends into economic crisis as, Portugal, Greece, Spain and Italy no longer have the means to stay financially afloat.  Worse things happen at sea they say, or worse things happen locally in other cases.

5 Things that stop you doing what you want to do and how to overcome them

I will begin this however with one salient fact, if you do want to do something and you want to do it badly enough then you will find a way of doing it. This thing whether it is creating a world record at egg eating, learning to swim, speak another language or simply be happy is achievable.  However, if
the thing involves another person then it may not apply because you can never know what someone else is going to do and you can not control another person they are fully functioning sentient beings with their own agendas in life. What I am saying here is it comes down to attitude and commitment. In which case no obstacle will get in your way in time the thing will be achieved.  From here onwards what stops you from doing that thing?



Procrastination
When doing home work the easiest avoidance is procrastination, whether it is watching TV, reading a book or finding something like watching paint dry. Procrastination gets in the way because what you
should be doing as opposed to what you want to do just does not excite you. This happens even in life tasks. The life task being the thing. Because your thing will involve a number of small steps before reaching the goal so unless full one million percent commitment kicks in some of those small and boring intermediary steps will act as procrastinating blocks.

Organization
Getting organized is the mental impetus which allows  you to being how to get where  you want to get. This however is not completely necessary, you can do the thing without being organized, but as soon as you do get organized your progress will be markedly different. For example learning to play an instrument. There is one fundamental tenant to this and it is practice. If you organize yourself to practice every single day at a specific time you are more likely to get on with it than not. To this extent the act of repeating something becomes a habit and a habit is a natural procrastination killer. It is the oil which keeps the cogs running. You don't have to practice every day but just imagine if there were a set time of where and when you would be every single day and doing something towards achieving the thing. Lack of organization will come back and bite you in the arse.  Lets also say it is your personal organization which matters not what is written down in a book. You begin at the place you want to begin.

Out of the box thinking
Doing the thing will involved conventional and unconventional actions. The convention action might be to read a book and make notes following this route will not get you where you want to be, you have to own it and move out of the box. An unconventional action might be along the lines of reading something of interest and making a point of applying it, talking about it.  Doing it both in and out of context seeing when it works and when it doesn't work. For example in order to put in a good few hour study each night I recognised it was important to have breaks during study. What I did was to head to the kitchen and make coffee, while I was drinking the coffee I would also pick up three juggling balls. Pacing backwards and forwards juggling the balls.  Taking a sip of coffee and then continuing. I could not juggle to being with but as time went on the juggling got better. I would sometimes think about what I learnt other times not at all. The important thing was ensuring I had a break and learning to do something I had never done before. Sometimes unconventional thinking will get you further than following the rest of the crowd. The thing is a long term target, it can't be done in a matter of hours and is going to take a lot of effort, but along the way of doing the thing there will be mini skills which have to be picked up.  Those skills will all add up to

accomplishing the thing.  Driving a car for instance, one skills is gently moving one foot down while the other foot goes up to change gear but better is to make your feet sensitive to pressures while pushing down. What does it feel like to carefully and sensitively feel where the clutch is just when the gears separate?  This is one mini skill needed in learning to drive and an important skill. Children know how to think unconventionally because because they are not confined by the rules. Learning to feel where a clutch biting point is might be helped by slowly depressing your foot up and down on a half deflated ball.   Unconventional thinking is a skill in itself, but it can be learned and takes a little imagination, were all were children once and all had this same wonderful imagination.

Listening to others

There is no doubt that other people can influence us even if be this by their approval or by their non approval, however there will be many times when other people are just purely negative and those individual may well be the ones we love in our life. They may think you are not strong enough to achieve the thing you want to do, they may think they had better stop  you from doing it by discouraging you. Finding what may be sensible and reasonable things to put in your way. But these are obstacles which have to be overcome.  However, this is really where  your own attitude is now under fire, and  your own self esteem.  If my brother, sister, uncle, aunt, spouse or teacher put forth an argument to prevent me doing what I want to do and they don't understand this is a life event, this is the thing you need to do and are not helpful but obstructive you may not even go ahead and get on with the thing.  Take heed, take warning, they may love you but they may not know and understand
there is nothing more important to you than the thing.  Alternatively they may very well understand
and because of their own hang ups purposefully not want to help and pull you down.  It's not going to be easy, but then this life event thing you need to do is a wonderful and beautiful notion and if you got to do it they will eventually get the message, if not then don't worry just never discuss it in their company.  You are on a journey here, and as they say sometimes it's not reaching the destination which matters as much as taking the trip.

Obstacles
If the thing is worth doing it is worth doing and along the way there will be obstacles. As touched upon above sometimes those obstacles are other people, sometimes they will be finding time, having resources, money, needing help from an external source. Have faith because given enough time every obstacle can be overcome.  Furthermore, it may mean you have to dip your toes into those waters of the unconventional to overcome the obstacle.  In the film Heartbreak Ridge, Clint Eastwood trains his group of marines to think outside of the box, to do everything and anything they have to do to

achieve their goals.  In this he constantly rants on three primary corollaries to his marines.  They are 1. Adapt, 2. Improvise 3. Overcome.  If there were such as thing as a life book these words would be in such a book.  It would be tied to your umbilical cord, you will then grow up learning to read and learning to recite these words, they challenge you to meet the obstacle, if you can't go through it go around it, if you can't go round it go over it. If it is so big you can't see a way forward then step out of the box the obstacle is taking up your entire view and has made you blind you need a new perspective. Is it a fleck you have in your eye or is it a tree trunk?  Here is one wise piece of advise, when  you look back at the obstacles which stood in the way between you and the thing you wanted to do, they will seem insignificant. Even though they were significant.  You don't go through a battle without getting some scars, if it is worth the challenge you will find the way. You will.

All of these events are about getting your mental software programmed in order to deal with them.  But if the thing you want to do means so much to you, then you will do it. Don't take other people's no as an answer, strive, then strive and then strive some more. This is not about being rich and successful it is about personal achievement.  It will happen if you want it to do, so the question is do you want it?  Do you really want it? And are you willing to do what it takes?  There is only one answer to each of these and you already know what it is.

Some tips on losing weight

Losing weight is probably the most difficult thing a person can do, especially if the intention is t make it a permanent loss. I've lost weight on many occasions and on an equal number of occasions put it back on again. Talk about yo-yo dieting or what, in fact the name yo-yo should be replaced by dieter. I am a dieter in a broad sense of the word. Faced with a choice between a piece of toast and a bacon butty put in front of me, the bacon butty would be gobbled up in no time.  This is why I am overweight now and bordering on obese.  Which by the way may isn't really so fat when you are at that level at all. It's only a skinny person who can recognise an obese person, obese people just feel overweight not obese.  So given I belong to the group of dieters who do up and down I am just as worthy of putting some tips on weight loss as the next person. And certainly more so than may of the self sanctimonious people who think they are professionals.  Because if you haven't been there and walked a mile in my fat shoes then you're asking for a slap in the face, with my fat hand.

To lose weight successfully means recognising it is a life style change and it is something which will have to be watched every single day of your life. Because those get fat quick biscuits are always going to be on the supermarket shelf, therefore it is a matter of realising you can't pick them up. But the best thing you can do is avoid them like a vampire would avoid garlic, don't walk down the biscuit aisle ever.  Further to take this attitude and internalise it you should understand your body doesn't need as much as you think it does to survive food wise.  Except eating food can become a pleasure, except again when that pleasure is over indulged you get fat.  Sometimes it is necessary to actually not eat at all or to be so frugal with what you eat you learn again what it is to taste and not to gobble. Food savoured in your mouth because you have earned the right to eat it is so much more delicious than because you have a large plate of it in front of you and it has to go down as quickly as possible in order to give you a full up belly feeling, and the contentment it has.  Oddly I've found this full up belly feeling can come with a smaller portion. Without doubt mental attitude must come first and one way of reinforcing this attitude is to think of the reasons why your weight should be less than what it is now.

Obesity equates to illness, diabetes is the primary pain, then there is liver disease, then there is not so much the fact of illness but the inability to move about. To pick things up, find the right clothes or clothes which are big enough. Or there could be the future thought of repeated visits to a doctor or hospital because of a multitude of ailments associated with weight.  How much more painful it is being heavy on your joints than it would be if you weighed less.  Bodily wear and tear is a slow killer, so it is with being fat. A slow lingering death can be on the cards. If this is not good enough reason to lose weight then consider family, friends and people you love.  To stay around longer just so you can be a help to them. My grand daughter Princess J is the most precious happy little girl in my world, I love her to bits and I would love to be around to see her get married and even be a great grand dad to her children. My close as can be daughter Rock Chick who is a wonderful girl bringing up a wonderful family with a wonderful partner. I can only be of help if I am around and able to support them. Just as Sparkling Eyes is the love of my life I need to look after myself for her as well.  When I think of these reasons my mental attitude towards losing weight strengthens, even if I am still fat it's getting into the right frame of mind which will help me get somewhere.

So I've lost a couple of pounds in a couple of weeks, it might not be much but it is in the right direction, just think of how long it took to get as fat as you are now and the realisation is, it creeps up on you like an unrelenting but successful fat ninja. Here are my tips.

1. One pound in weight is about 3000 calories, understand losing weight is a slow and long term process don't take fortitude from losing more than two pounds in a week. In fact my personal belief is you should aim for one pound a week.

2. Exercise is necessary, even if you don't like it, it has to be done. But it does not have to be crazy stuff, there is nothing wrong with gentle exercise, walking is good. Yoga at home anything at all, even getting out in the garden for a couple of hours as long as it is physical and not sitting on your backside. Try to do something every single day not just at weekends. Don't strain yourself but do dedicate yourself to it.

3. Reduce the amount you eat. This is definitely easier said than done, but you will notice a difference and after the first couple of weeks get used to it.  When going to work I used to make two sandwiches, this was four slices of bread with filling.  Now I have only one sandwich.  I endeavour to sit down and eat it slower than I would normally eat it.  Over a month of home made sandwiches my lunchtime meals are now much easier to cope with.

4. Occasional treats. Allow yourself to have the odd treat at least once if not twice a week.  For being on a strict diet is not fun, this weight loss regime is looking at the long run not short gains.  If you have a bad day and eat or drink too much, then punish yourself by having a day of frugality.  Eating as little as you possibly can. This does not have to be then next day but if you can fit it in within the same week it will keep you on track again.

5. Steer clear of those things which you know are going to be no good for you in the long run. However if you need a treat go ahead break the diet and give yourself a treat and then return back to your diet. It is OK to have temporary breaks you are not out to do this in a single day, you are looking at months and months into the future.

6. Take a note of your weight, do this either once a week or once every two weeks, write it down on a piece of paper. You will need to come back to this and know the weight is dropping off, but do not under any circumstances look for a quick weight loss fix, in the end these never work.

7. Be conscious of your size and weight in everything you do.  Keep an eye on your figure in the mirror, when going to bed be conscious of how much your body sinks into the mattress. When walking up stairs feel the strain of carrying those extra pounds.  Accept you are heavy and accept now you are doing something about it.

8. Stick to set meal times and don't snack.  I always have a slice of toast for breakfast and then do not eat again for four to five hours.

9. Be gentle with yourself, you will get there, this is about perseverance, your life and the rest of your life, there will be slips, but like a boomerang return again to the diet.  You can do it.

10. Understand food, look at sugars, calories, fats, learn to cook from fresh and take time cooking. Be aware of hidden substances in processed foods, as the philosophers say, both knowledge and education give freedom. The freedom to choose and freedom to not follow the crowd.


It has nearly taken me a year to lose a stone in weight, it is July and I anticipate by August to be just a little bit more lighter than I am now and about one stone plus a little on last year. My trousers and jeans are feeling less stretched than they used to and I'm healthier, I try to take the stairs whenever I can, and set aside time each day as part of my day to walk part of the journey to work. After all I want to live a longer life and this is a long term pursuit.  I now do my best not to have sitting at home days where I do very little at all. It is tough and slow going, but progress is being made.

So the question is: To blubber or not to blubber?

An interest in Stoicism

For many years I have occasionally dipped my toes into the waters of Stoicism to try and get a grasp of what it is. However, the toe dipping is not a serious thing, if it were I would of put on a full wet suit and learnt to hold my breath for five minutes or more. Getting pretty wet no doubt. This curiosity arose when I came across a quote which has been inscribed on my mind. It is:

It is not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters.
Epictetus

This quote says so much about our mental attitude to everything we experience in life. The stressful events which happen are stressful because we see them that way.  One way to interpret this is to say I choose to feel stressed during a stressful episode in my life so therefore I can choose not to feel stressed as well. The same would apply to any emotion. However emotions are those things internal which are one would think very difficult to control.  Granted, lets say emotions are difficult to control this then does not mean they are impossible to control. For we all know difficult things can be achieved, it is facing difficulties in our own lives which determines what sort of a character we have.

For example, after leaving secondary school I found it very difficult to get a job. I had one job then there was a break of a year before I had another job.  After what seemed like an eternity getting into employment was a wonderful release, although poorly paid it was good to be working.  I didn't actually like the work I was in and felt I had sold my soul to the devil, yet I still did the work I had to do.  Work is important and I also learnt having structure in your day is important. Work gives structure to say the least. Since this time I have never been unemployed. Every new job I have gone into I have done while still working in another job. So the transition has been smooth, working in one place then moving to another.  I also re determined the key to helping myself was through education and spent several years in evening classes getting an education I had failed while of school age.  Just as the adage goes, more is learnt outside of school than in school and life's lessons are harder.  So as a stoic like minded person I had set myself goals and moved from accepting my lot in poorly paid poverty jobs to one which is now slightly above average pay.  Yet in the work place I have learnt another lesson from life's school.  It is the truth in the saying promotion is by Dead Man's Shoes.  However, more than this it is necessary to be prepared, it was the preparation when an opportunity cam up which mattered just as much.  I found interviews were nerve racking and had not given a best account of my abilities. This is perhaps a lacking of the stoic principle highlighted above which exasperated my personal anxieties when being interviewed.  So another principle of the stoics comes to play.

This is to understand it is necessary to deny yourself things at times.  The desire for chocolate may be exceptionally strong, but it doesn't mean it should be eaten every day nor should it be eaten just because you feel the need to eat it. Stoics believe it is necessary to deny yourself things and feel uncomfortable and to put yourself in a uncomfortable situation.  This acknowledges every day of our lives we do the same things and doing those same things becomes easy. It means our lives are comfortable and we fail to challenge ourselves we fail to move out of the comfort zone or ball of protection held around us. The challenge is to do something totally different and outside of this something which wakes us up. For stoicism puts it we must recognise our life is short.  My attitude towards interviews and the stress felt during them was because I simply have not been in the interview situation frequently enough and I allowed my anxieties to dominate me and prevent me from doing what I would like to do.  Not preparing for interviews was another aspect of self immolation.  Therefore this makes me think stoicism is also about being disciplined with your mind and your feelings. However I think this discipline should be gentle. For beating yourself up achieves nothing.  If I am stressed I need to accept it but then persuade myself the reasons why I feel stressed and why it is necessary to both face this stress and come through the other side.  In other words be my own best friend.  All of which sounds a bit clichéd but is true.

So in the next few weeks I just need to get my reserves together and book a dental appointment for a troublesome tooth which has likely got to be extracted. Where is Epictetus when you really do need him is what I say?

 

Princess J at two years old

Princess J is now two years old and is beginning to show she is as independent minded as the next person. Her preferences and dislikes are also coming through. She is fixated on doing those things which give her the most pleasure. Play, sucking her dummy, her bunny which she sleeps with all the time and is a comforter and not forgetting one of her favourite activities jumping on the bed or climbing over furniture. She is so full of energy if scientists were able to harness this in some way the  energy crisis we find ourself in would be solved in no time. But it doesn't work like this because I two year old would like not have anything to do with a scientist in the first place. Unless it was in the invention of a new type of ice lolly.

Listening to her learning to speak and actually speaking is a miraculous event as well. She enjoys baby babble and it enjoyable listening to her babble, as though in earnest she is really trying to communicate. Then when on a swing she shouts out in perfect English, "Come on mummy, swing!" Because of course being on a swing is so much fun and mummy should be part of this fun. I wonder how she learns to associate words with their meaning. There are concrete words which have the most meaning which she has picked up quickly. Such as mummy and daddy.  The number of these concrete type words have increased and increased and many of them are not just objects they include concepts. Such as the word 'outside' or 'sleep.'  The development of a child's cognitive abilities is amazing, probably something Piaget would know all about. However I can't help there was a lot of things he missed and just failed to include in his theory. How does a two year old know that causing fake pain on another person is fun? When Princess J squeezes my toe I pretend it hurts me and she in turn laughs. She learns she can control her own environment just a little at a time. She likes ice lollies but doesn't like being told go to bed. She enjoys cartoons on TV and loves chocolate - probably too much. When one person does not submit to Princess J's requests then she will go to the next person. Almost like if one does not give into her another person just might and this is what she is looking for. However this would suggest it was her intention.

Funny though, one thing I do know it is difficult to say no to such a beautiful princess and I guess this is why she has so many people wound round her little finger.

Moma the culprit of Induced middle insomnia

I am artificially awoken most nights, while moma trots off to the toilet to have a piss. She can't help it on account of having diabetes. I've had arguments with her before over this but they get nowhere and it only succeeds in making the home environment more stressful. She has a mental thing going on where the only subject in her life that matters is herself and she is unwilling to hear what I have to say and do anything about it. There really are times when this whole scenario ends up driving me completely mad. Especially when each day I have to put in a full shift at the fish factory, a place which can be exceedingly stressful in itself. She will not change her behaviour and she will not seek additional help from the doc.  She is on medication but clearly her eating habits and medication do not match. Again it's the self-centred thing kicking in. She will not do anything about it so this means I have what is termed middle insomnia.  I just have to do the best to cope with it but it is not easy, not at all.

This also puts me in a diabolical situation with regard to what actions I take. If I had money I would buy my own house, but living in London this is a fairy tale idea. Valuations of properties have gone up so many times this is no longer a place to own unless you just happen to be an investor. It can make you feel stuck, there is also no chance for rental. Why for this is probably one of th emost expensive places in the world to rent. Rental costs are going trough the roof, London has changed into an investment opportunity and properties are seen as assett values by anyone who has a little bit of money. They are no longer just homes for living in. I don't see why I should work just so what I earn can go into another person's pocket. One of those rich fat cat's the Tory party loves so much.

The other thing is being retired momma sleeps during the day while she sits are her arse watching TV. I have seen her do it, she rests her head on her chin closes her eyes and drops off to sleep. So while I am at work trying to earn a crust she gets in extra sleep time. This is something I cannot do of course so it puts me at another disadvantage.

So here I find myself at just before 4 a.m. writing a blog.I had thought about getting out my ukulele and playing with it. This way the old woman would not sleep either. I'd get my own back, but really this is not going to gain? For it yet creates an atmosphere of tension during the day. Like two bad tempered wolves constantly snarling at each other. Moma has the advantage if the stakes were down. On account of being an old woman she is considered a vulnerable individual in law. Although from my point of view this is not true, she no longer works, has nothing to do with her life except watch TV and sleep sitting in her comfy chair at the same time. Whereas I have to work to earn a crust. It is a situation which could push someone to the edge, but it really is not worth it, it is not worth getting angry as getting angry does nothing.  It was like she was trying to mentally break me, I've learnt a degree of acceptance now.  In the meantime I don't want her to think things are OK so I will just stop speaking to her. Why should I engage with someone who doesn't give a shit and knows their own behaviour is maladaptive.

There are solutions but they are  solutions which mean going quite some way from the norm. Solutions such as giving up work and signing on (unemployed) so I can join the same sleep rota or sleep during the day.  Watch TV and do nothing, but I can't do this, for I am not retired and my income will be reduced to that of a pauper. Moma would also not like it as she would stop getting the rent she gets now from me.  There's the option of going homeless and sleeping on the streets. It would get me away from this situation now but most likely put me in a worse situation. Again it would mean leaving my job. There is the option of throw moma from the train, which I must say does have a certain appeal to it. I'd get some sleep if only for a short time. However the sisters in waiting would want the house I sleep in sold so they could get their hands on some money.  Both need it.
Then there's the option of going completely mad, maybe just not sleeping and then sleeping when I can or displaying sympons of a mental illness and getting myself committed to a mental institute, getting a decent night's sleep and then being let out again.  Eventually there could be an advantage to this situation for I to might be considered vulnerable and the systems of society might at this point provide me with a social housing tenancy.  But on the other hand society may not happen because I might not be vulnerable enough.  After all, here in the over crowded metropolis there are so many millions of vulnerable people of much higher need than poor little old me going mental due to an induced sleep disorder.  I can't see my situation actually cutting the mustard so to say. I would of been considered someone who had made themselves intentionally homeless, who had intentionally left their job and had intentionally tried to become vulerable by begin nuts. So the remaining options seem to reduce even further when I step back and look at the situation I am in. With recognition it seems, it is better to be here at the whim of a crazy old woman who cares only for herself no matter what the atmosphere turns into.  With this same understanding I know I should of left this property when I was young, rented a room and saved up to get my own house, that is if paying out rent didn't bankrupt me.

However there are other alternatives other options I have to consider. Getting a white noise machine, using the middle insomnia constructively. I have recognised the piss she has after 2 a.m. is the one where my sleep cycle is most likely to kick me into a waking state. At this time I could write a blog, or do the thing I would like to do which betters myself. Learn a language, play the ukulele, it depends though if I am awake and if I can open my eyes because sometimes being awake after 2 a.m. is fine but the eyes want to stay shut. Listen to the radio, I have noticed how sometimes I can literally fall asleep listening to the radio. Go out for a walk for this time of the morning is probably the safest time to be out and walking, there would only be burgulars out at unearthly hours and insomniacs looking for peace of course. Knowing my luck when I return to the house Moma will be behind the door with a kitchen knife and stab me. Her defence would be "Mr Policeman I thought it was a crim trying to break in." Hell what a bummer it would be. Then maybe I'd get some sleep. It's odd the worse time always seems to be the instant you are in. I must admit though my change in mental attitude has helped me cope with it. Until this is I got to the point of being crushed between sleep deprivation, stressful work and migraines. For given the right circumstances any individual is capable of doing anything.

Nope there has to be an alternate way to deal with this situation, of all things I have learned there are always other choices sometimes it is a matter of thinking outside of the box or on the bed, so to say.

A morning vomit

Getting up early on a Saturday isn't something I've done for a while but this morning it was a necessity. Having to hit the Fish Factory for a few hours and that was nearly all of a waste of time as well. So the usual routine had to kick in. Breakfast consisting of tea and a slice of toast with my own concoction on top. A pickled spicy pepper cut up, a tomato, a chopped spring onion and a sprinkle of black pepper. The radio sounded out and I ate.

But something wasn't right. I thought about the cup of tea. Now boiling old water which has been boiled before is not a good idea, it just has a funny taste to it and ends up not making me feel well. However, I had put fresh water into the kettle. Then I knew what the feeling was, it was the need to vomit. It kind of comes over you in a wave and there is a count down to the moment when it is going to happen. The waves of nausea get progressively worse then the vomit one hits and you had better be standing over the toilet as it does.  I'd got up the stairs quickly but didn't think I would. Somehow will power had stayed of the puke mechanism, it took an additional moment as I looked down into the toilet bowl and at the water. Then a wrench and this morning's carefully made breakfast with cup of tea regurgitated itself into the bowl.  It was a case of what goes down comes back up. I could taste for a second time the black pepper fortunately there was nothing in the way of bile. So it seemed my breakfast didn't have enough time to even partly digest.

Mind the rest of the morning seemed to go OK. I didn't feel like I had eaten nothing, because I had eaten, you could say twice, but it was once and the once was reversed. Funny that, the morning went OK but I just couldn't face lunch so ate chocolate instead. Yes, when you have an empty belly revert to chocolate it will fulfil all your needs, unlike toast.

Sunday morning insomnia

It seems the insomnia has decided to pop it's head over the wall again and take a look in on me. I an hear it saying "what's he think he's doing sleeping, well lets put paid to that!" After which it is like a light is switched on in my head and bingo full house. Completely alert but eyes closed laying in bed going through the usual list of insomniac thoughts. Which go something along the tracks of

1.Do I stay or do I go, lay here with eyes closed keeping still and trying to sleep again, in some lost belief it will come back again. I will find it like a long lost trinket and feel comfortable again. Sometimes this works and the early morning hours have just provided an interlude to what was a delightful sleep. OK wake up later than usual but you still feel you've had restful moment or two.

2. Reach for my phone, check the time, think to myself oh it is just after 2 a.m. I've slept for a little more than two or three hours. Can I get by on only this much sleep in a day? The answer is inevitably no I can't.  Then I wonder should I get my laptop, should I go and make a drink, if I open my eyes will they still be heavy and tired.  Now this is probably the hardest thing for an insomniac to deal with. Exceedingly heavy eyes and still being very much awake and conscious. Heavy eyelids don't mean automatic sleep. They just mean your eyes are tired and need rest.  Yet if you are conscious the oxymoron is you can't open your eyes and have to lay there in torturous torment,

3. Toss and turn and find another position to lay in. Because the insomnia is down to being not sleep comfortable.  This happens every single time the light in my head is switched on, it's natural, just try a little change in position. After which maybe a half hour passes then position is changed again and again. Always hoping somehow sleep will revisit it's kindly gaze. Yet it doesn't.

The morning soon arrives because it has already arrived but several hours earlier than expected. Like no one gets up to head to work at an unearthly hour, even if it could be a pretty productive time in the office. The systems will be down, the doors closed. There will be nobody in, no one to bump into, unless of course they to were fellow insomniacs and then we could have an  insomniacs club and probably not get on with any work anyway. Funny though how at such early times in the morning the mind can feel so absolutely awake and alert, focused when it knows it should not be. Perhaps we are tied to tightly to the notion of following a 24 hour clock, what would the world be like if everyone was conscious at the times they wanted to do and didn't follow a routine. There would then be no such thing as a typical working day for every working day could be atypical. What a thought.

It's now 5:30 a.m. and I've been physically up only an hour but actually awake three hours or more and now I can feel myself actually starting to feel tired again. So ironic, I can't help thinking there has got to be something wrong with my body clock, or is it my mind. I hope not. Somebody get me a shrink.

Blame it on the muggy weather

It has been hot in London even though there has been no sun. I got on my bicycle and had a little ride, funny how starting out I thought to myself there is no wind this is going to be a good ride. I swear after a few minutes it felt the entire ride was right into the wind. It was tough going and felt slow when climbing small inclines. The plan was to get out and buy some trainers which I did and then returned home stopping off at a Chinese for lunch.  The exercise had a two fold effect, one to get healthy and lose weight the other so as not to pay out in public transport costs. I don't mind riding on the bus except of course when it is overly hot and body odour become the in thing.  The thing about body odour is you can quite easily put up with your own but other people's smells somewhat rank. My legs felt heavy and I deserved the Chinese.  A little bit of pain means you have sacrificed for a little bit of pleasure.

Unusually the trainers I got are black, I got them on account of having a similar pair in Scotland they are Sketchers and found them to be pretty comfortable. They feel as good as a glove on my hand, though a little tight maybe. Wearing these will mean I don't have to wear walking boots and have some leeway now in choice with an in-between footwear. Sometimes boots, shoes or running trainers don't fit the bill as just a plain comfortable non running pair of trainers. Which these are.

  I like to have contingencies wherever possible. Maybe this is why I find myself walking and riding my bike more than ever before as I do my best to save pennies. I feel I am in a financial recession at the moment and am having difficulty making ends meet.  But there are a lot of people who are like this as well in the UK, with a second toxic Tory term this country is going to be bankrupt and go into an even greater recession than it has ever been in.  There it goes again, the doom and gloom prophecy of someone who would prefer to be out there doing something. I need a smack in the head and to be bought around properly. Or a jump into a cold shower to jolt me into cautious optimism and out of negativity. Still I can't help being a little upset with Sparkling.  I'll leave it up to her to text me tomorrow.

Perhaps it's the hot muggy weather, or the fact I didn't sleep well last night. Waking up at 2 a.m. and suddenly finding it near impossible to sleep. Awake but at the same time not wanting to open my eyes and strain reading anything or watching TV.  Maybe it was a little bout of insomnia and that has made me cranky, on the other hand I may not be cranky at all, I might be perfectly fine and the person I should be, which is me and no one else.

Insomnia and little feet scurrying

I got hit by insomnia last night, but I know the reason why. Having spent the entire day indoors and then drinking a couple of Jack Daniels and coke in the evening.  They didn't seem to do anything until I was in bed, the caffeine kept me awake. I lay there eyes wide open thinking I should of made myself get up, then got out during the day and had a walk. Strange because Sunday is usually the day when I make sure I get up and out for a walk.  Just for this very reason. In fact I've been getting out and walking a mile or more most days, one day I even walked over four miles.  Then sleep comes like a witch has caste a spell.  It works which is all I can say.  So I lay there, did a little reading "1984" by George Orwell and then returned tossing from side to side.  I got hot possibly on account of it having been a hot day and the house being hot.  At about two thirty in the morning I heard a sound I was hoping had gone away.  It was the sound of little feet running across the floor boards in the loft. Not the feet of a ghost but the feet of a rodent of some description.  Wonderful, now I could lay there eyes wide open with the though of a rodent running over my bed or even up my legs. Just what I needed to stay alert.  It's always wonderful how the fear in your own mind can play a lot worse on you than the reality of a situation.  So tonight I will be reading up on rodents and trying to understand their habits and how to kill them.  Yes, my next occupation could be a night time rodent exterminator. Always on call. Bloody things do they not understand human beings are probably the most intelligent animal on the planet and residing in one of their homes could end up in their very own demise.  They need to learn this at an early age, but being on account they are stupid they don't. Still worse they shouldn't pick on someone who has occasional insomnia it can make him very irritable to say the least.

Sparkling gets told on by Princess J

Sparkling told me the other day how she got told on by Princess J, all of nearly two years of age. So there is Sparkling in her car waiting on Rock Chick to come out of work to give her a lift and little Princess J is strapped in her chair in the back seat. So Rocks asks the usual question "how was your day?" to which Princess J actually answers, and says:



 "Princess on TV and Gaga say No. "

To which both Rock and Sparkling laugh, because Sparkling has now been grassed up by her grand daughter who.  Little Princess J was trying to watch a program on TV about Princesses and it was time to leave the house and pick up Rock.  Sparkling said "no" and said it a number of times, turned the TV off and headed for the car.  Now Sparkling tells me she has a set routine as well for taking Princess J out in the car.  She first put's Princess J in the driver's seat, where she stands on the seat and pretends she is driving the car with her hands on the wheel. She absolutely loves this. While she is laughing at this fun game Sparkling then has time to load up the car with whatever needs to be put into it.  She gives Princess J a few minutes to enjoy her pretend driving and then straps her in the back seat.  It is so funny when I think of the cheeky little girl who just about can see over the driving wheel when she is standing up.  She is so full of energy and so funny because she is an expressive little girl. Her emotions and thoughts can not be hidden, what she feels she shows and you can't help but love her in everything she does. She is a ray of sunshine.

When talking about Princess J's character both I and Sparkling agree it is as though she has taken two traits from her parents.  How she has inherited or learned them is unknown and it seems these are the kind of traits you would only understand if you knew both her parents.  First is the quiet determination and obstinacy of Rock Chick and secondly the emotional expression of Dangerous Sports lad.  With Rock she knows what she wants, she then goes and gets it in her persistent way, and with Dangerous he just cant help being expressive even if holding back his feelings would be to his advantage he just cant, sometimes he is a little girly about it.  This is fine because in Princess J those girlishness attitudes are OK,. unfortunately doesn't show much of her girly side, maybe it is early days. What I see is Princess J the girl who is going to lead the first all female expedition up Kilimanjaro or the South Pole. Sparkling told me once how they took Princess J to the park and let her run, well she took off and didn't turn back, they waited but still she didn't turn back.  When she walks she's just goes marching off in the direction she wants to go and doesn't look back either.  Maybe it's because she knows Gaga or Rock will be there chasing behind her to catch her, or maybe it's because she has her own mind.  I can see here one reason why people have children, it's the entertainment factor.  Of course this does not take second place to the enormous amount of love factor which comes first every single time.  You just can't help loving her.

Sparkling is hoping for a job to come through shortly.  This is doing a job she has done before, caring in the community.  The company she will be working for seems like a really nice company as well. The ethos has come from the founder of the company who did this work herself and then grew it up to over 400 employees.  She pays them well and her staff like working for her.  Most jobs of this description usually pay only minimum pay and this is also true of central London.  The value of work here is low, it is the job you get paid for and not how conscientious you are as an employee.

Sparkling is off tonight with her friends to see a spooky.  This is Scottish for clairvoyant.  It turned out the spooky was crap, she couldn't tell Sparkling there was an Englishman riding a bicycle and playing the ukulele in her life. Oh well, she can't be that spooky after all.