I am artificially awoken most nights, while moma trots off to the toilet to have a piss. She can't help it on account of having diabetes. I've had arguments with her before over this but they get nowhere and it only succeeds in making the home environment more stressful. She has a mental thing going on where the only subject in her life that matters is herself and she is unwilling to hear what I have to say and do anything about it. There really are times when this whole scenario ends up driving me completely mad. Especially when each day I have to put in a full shift at the fish factory, a place which can be exceedingly stressful in itself. She will not change her behaviour and she will not seek additional help from the doc. She is on medication but clearly her eating habits and medication do not match. Again it's the self-centred thing kicking in. She will not do anything about it so this means I have what is termed middle insomnia. I just have to do the best to cope with it but it is not easy, not at all.
This also puts me in a diabolical situation with regard to what actions I take. If I had money I would buy my own house, but living in London this is a fairy tale idea. Valuations of properties have gone up so many times this is no longer a place to own unless you just happen to be an investor. It can make you feel stuck, there is also no chance for rental. Why for this is probably one of th emost expensive places in the world to rent. Rental costs are going trough the roof, London has changed into an investment opportunity and properties are seen as assett values by anyone who has a little bit of money. They are no longer just homes for living in. I don't see why I should work just so what I earn can go into another person's pocket. One of those rich fat cat's the Tory party loves so much.
The other thing is being retired momma sleeps during the day while she sits are her arse watching TV. I have seen her do it, she rests her head on her chin closes her eyes and drops off to sleep. So while I am at work trying to earn a crust she gets in extra sleep time. This is something I cannot do of course so it puts me at another disadvantage.
So here I find myself at just before 4 a.m. writing a blog.I had thought about getting out my ukulele and playing with it. This way the old woman would not sleep either. I'd get my own back, but really this is not going to gain? For it yet creates an atmosphere of tension during the day. Like two bad tempered wolves constantly snarling at each other. Moma has the advantage if the stakes were down. On account of being an old woman she is considered a vulnerable individual in law. Although from my point of view this is not true, she no longer works, has nothing to do with her life except watch TV and sleep sitting in her comfy chair at the same time. Whereas I have to work to earn a crust. It is a situation which could push someone to the edge, but it really is not worth it, it is not worth getting angry as getting angry does nothing. It was like she was trying to mentally break me, I've learnt a degree of acceptance now. In the meantime I don't want her to think things are OK so I will just stop speaking to her. Why should I engage with someone who doesn't give a shit and knows their own behaviour is maladaptive.
There are solutions but they are solutions which mean going quite some way from the norm. Solutions such as giving up work and signing on (unemployed) so I can join the same sleep rota or sleep during the day. Watch TV and do nothing, but I can't do this, for I am not retired and my income will be reduced to that of a pauper. Moma would also not like it as she would stop getting the rent she gets now from me. There's the option of going homeless and sleeping on the streets. It would get me away from this situation now but most likely put me in a worse situation. Again it would mean leaving my job. There is the option of throw moma from the train, which I must say does have a certain appeal to it. I'd get some sleep if only for a short time. However the sisters in waiting would want the house I sleep in sold so they could get their hands on some money. Both need it.
Then there's the option of going completely mad, maybe just not sleeping and then sleeping when I can or displaying sympons of a mental illness and getting myself committed to a mental institute, getting a decent night's sleep and then being let out again. Eventually there could be an advantage to this situation for I to might be considered vulnerable and the systems of society might at this point provide me with a social housing tenancy. But on the other hand society may not happen because I might not be vulnerable enough. After all, here in the over crowded metropolis there are so many millions of vulnerable people of much higher need than poor little old me going mental due to an induced sleep disorder. I can't see my situation actually cutting the mustard so to say. I would of been considered someone who had made themselves intentionally homeless, who had intentionally left their job and had intentionally tried to become vulerable by begin nuts. So the remaining options seem to reduce even further when I step back and look at the situation I am in. With recognition it seems, it is better to be here at the whim
of a crazy old woman who cares only for herself no matter what the
atmosphere turns into. With this same understanding I know I should of left this property when I was young, rented a room and saved up to get my own house, that is if paying out rent didn't bankrupt me.
However there are other alternatives other options I have to consider. Getting a white noise machine, using the middle insomnia constructively. I have recognised the piss she has after 2 a.m. is the one where my sleep cycle is most likely to kick me into a waking state. At this time I could write a blog, or do the thing I would like to do which betters myself. Learn a language, play the ukulele, it depends though if I am awake and if I can open my eyes because sometimes being awake after 2 a.m. is fine but the eyes want to stay shut. Listen to the radio, I have noticed how sometimes I can literally fall asleep listening to the radio. Go out for a walk for this time of the morning is probably the safest time to be out and walking, there would only be burgulars out at unearthly hours and insomniacs looking for peace of course. Knowing my luck when I return to the house Moma will be behind the door with a kitchen knife and stab me. Her defence would be "Mr Policeman I thought it was a crim trying to break in." Hell what a bummer it would be. Then maybe I'd get some sleep. It's odd the worse time always seems to be the instant you are in. I must admit though my change in mental attitude has helped me cope with it. Until this is I got to the point of being crushed between sleep deprivation, stressful work and migraines. For given the right circumstances any individual is capable of doing anything.
Nope there has to be an alternate way to deal with this situation, of all things I have learned there are always other choices sometimes it is a matter of thinking outside of the box or on the bed, so to say.
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