Moma the culprit of Induced middle insomnia

I am artificially awoken most nights, while moma trots off to the toilet to have a piss. She can't help it on account of having diabetes. I've had arguments with her before over this but they get nowhere and it only succeeds in making the home environment more stressful. She has a mental thing going on where the only subject in her life that matters is herself and she is unwilling to hear what I have to say and do anything about it. There really are times when this whole scenario ends up driving me completely mad. Especially when each day I have to put in a full shift at the fish factory, a place which can be exceedingly stressful in itself. She will not change her behaviour and she will not seek additional help from the doc.  She is on medication but clearly her eating habits and medication do not match. Again it's the self-centred thing kicking in. She will not do anything about it so this means I have what is termed middle insomnia.  I just have to do the best to cope with it but it is not easy, not at all.

This also puts me in a diabolical situation with regard to what actions I take. If I had money I would buy my own house, but living in London this is a fairy tale idea. Valuations of properties have gone up so many times this is no longer a place to own unless you just happen to be an investor. It can make you feel stuck, there is also no chance for rental. Why for this is probably one of th emost expensive places in the world to rent. Rental costs are going trough the roof, London has changed into an investment opportunity and properties are seen as assett values by anyone who has a little bit of money. They are no longer just homes for living in. I don't see why I should work just so what I earn can go into another person's pocket. One of those rich fat cat's the Tory party loves so much.

The other thing is being retired momma sleeps during the day while she sits are her arse watching TV. I have seen her do it, she rests her head on her chin closes her eyes and drops off to sleep. So while I am at work trying to earn a crust she gets in extra sleep time. This is something I cannot do of course so it puts me at another disadvantage.

So here I find myself at just before 4 a.m. writing a blog.I had thought about getting out my ukulele and playing with it. This way the old woman would not sleep either. I'd get my own back, but really this is not going to gain? For it yet creates an atmosphere of tension during the day. Like two bad tempered wolves constantly snarling at each other. Moma has the advantage if the stakes were down. On account of being an old woman she is considered a vulnerable individual in law. Although from my point of view this is not true, she no longer works, has nothing to do with her life except watch TV and sleep sitting in her comfy chair at the same time. Whereas I have to work to earn a crust. It is a situation which could push someone to the edge, but it really is not worth it, it is not worth getting angry as getting angry does nothing.  It was like she was trying to mentally break me, I've learnt a degree of acceptance now.  In the meantime I don't want her to think things are OK so I will just stop speaking to her. Why should I engage with someone who doesn't give a shit and knows their own behaviour is maladaptive.

There are solutions but they are  solutions which mean going quite some way from the norm. Solutions such as giving up work and signing on (unemployed) so I can join the same sleep rota or sleep during the day.  Watch TV and do nothing, but I can't do this, for I am not retired and my income will be reduced to that of a pauper. Moma would also not like it as she would stop getting the rent she gets now from me.  There's the option of going homeless and sleeping on the streets. It would get me away from this situation now but most likely put me in a worse situation. Again it would mean leaving my job. There is the option of throw moma from the train, which I must say does have a certain appeal to it. I'd get some sleep if only for a short time. However the sisters in waiting would want the house I sleep in sold so they could get their hands on some money.  Both need it.
Then there's the option of going completely mad, maybe just not sleeping and then sleeping when I can or displaying sympons of a mental illness and getting myself committed to a mental institute, getting a decent night's sleep and then being let out again.  Eventually there could be an advantage to this situation for I to might be considered vulnerable and the systems of society might at this point provide me with a social housing tenancy.  But on the other hand society may not happen because I might not be vulnerable enough.  After all, here in the over crowded metropolis there are so many millions of vulnerable people of much higher need than poor little old me going mental due to an induced sleep disorder.  I can't see my situation actually cutting the mustard so to say. I would of been considered someone who had made themselves intentionally homeless, who had intentionally left their job and had intentionally tried to become vulerable by begin nuts. So the remaining options seem to reduce even further when I step back and look at the situation I am in. With recognition it seems, it is better to be here at the whim of a crazy old woman who cares only for herself no matter what the atmosphere turns into.  With this same understanding I know I should of left this property when I was young, rented a room and saved up to get my own house, that is if paying out rent didn't bankrupt me.

However there are other alternatives other options I have to consider. Getting a white noise machine, using the middle insomnia constructively. I have recognised the piss she has after 2 a.m. is the one where my sleep cycle is most likely to kick me into a waking state. At this time I could write a blog, or do the thing I would like to do which betters myself. Learn a language, play the ukulele, it depends though if I am awake and if I can open my eyes because sometimes being awake after 2 a.m. is fine but the eyes want to stay shut. Listen to the radio, I have noticed how sometimes I can literally fall asleep listening to the radio. Go out for a walk for this time of the morning is probably the safest time to be out and walking, there would only be burgulars out at unearthly hours and insomniacs looking for peace of course. Knowing my luck when I return to the house Moma will be behind the door with a kitchen knife and stab me. Her defence would be "Mr Policeman I thought it was a crim trying to break in." Hell what a bummer it would be. Then maybe I'd get some sleep. It's odd the worse time always seems to be the instant you are in. I must admit though my change in mental attitude has helped me cope with it. Until this is I got to the point of being crushed between sleep deprivation, stressful work and migraines. For given the right circumstances any individual is capable of doing anything.

Nope there has to be an alternate way to deal with this situation, of all things I have learned there are always other choices sometimes it is a matter of thinking outside of the box or on the bed, so to say.

A morning vomit

Getting up early on a Saturday isn't something I've done for a while but this morning it was a necessity. Having to hit the Fish Factory for a few hours and that was nearly all of a waste of time as well. So the usual routine had to kick in. Breakfast consisting of tea and a slice of toast with my own concoction on top. A pickled spicy pepper cut up, a tomato, a chopped spring onion and a sprinkle of black pepper. The radio sounded out and I ate.

But something wasn't right. I thought about the cup of tea. Now boiling old water which has been boiled before is not a good idea, it just has a funny taste to it and ends up not making me feel well. However, I had put fresh water into the kettle. Then I knew what the feeling was, it was the need to vomit. It kind of comes over you in a wave and there is a count down to the moment when it is going to happen. The waves of nausea get progressively worse then the vomit one hits and you had better be standing over the toilet as it does.  I'd got up the stairs quickly but didn't think I would. Somehow will power had stayed of the puke mechanism, it took an additional moment as I looked down into the toilet bowl and at the water. Then a wrench and this morning's carefully made breakfast with cup of tea regurgitated itself into the bowl.  It was a case of what goes down comes back up. I could taste for a second time the black pepper fortunately there was nothing in the way of bile. So it seemed my breakfast didn't have enough time to even partly digest.

Mind the rest of the morning seemed to go OK. I didn't feel like I had eaten nothing, because I had eaten, you could say twice, but it was once and the once was reversed. Funny that, the morning went OK but I just couldn't face lunch so ate chocolate instead. Yes, when you have an empty belly revert to chocolate it will fulfil all your needs, unlike toast.

Sunday morning insomnia

It seems the insomnia has decided to pop it's head over the wall again and take a look in on me. I an hear it saying "what's he think he's doing sleeping, well lets put paid to that!" After which it is like a light is switched on in my head and bingo full house. Completely alert but eyes closed laying in bed going through the usual list of insomniac thoughts. Which go something along the tracks of

1.Do I stay or do I go, lay here with eyes closed keeping still and trying to sleep again, in some lost belief it will come back again. I will find it like a long lost trinket and feel comfortable again. Sometimes this works and the early morning hours have just provided an interlude to what was a delightful sleep. OK wake up later than usual but you still feel you've had restful moment or two.

2. Reach for my phone, check the time, think to myself oh it is just after 2 a.m. I've slept for a little more than two or three hours. Can I get by on only this much sleep in a day? The answer is inevitably no I can't.  Then I wonder should I get my laptop, should I go and make a drink, if I open my eyes will they still be heavy and tired.  Now this is probably the hardest thing for an insomniac to deal with. Exceedingly heavy eyes and still being very much awake and conscious. Heavy eyelids don't mean automatic sleep. They just mean your eyes are tired and need rest.  Yet if you are conscious the oxymoron is you can't open your eyes and have to lay there in torturous torment,

3. Toss and turn and find another position to lay in. Because the insomnia is down to being not sleep comfortable.  This happens every single time the light in my head is switched on, it's natural, just try a little change in position. After which maybe a half hour passes then position is changed again and again. Always hoping somehow sleep will revisit it's kindly gaze. Yet it doesn't.

The morning soon arrives because it has already arrived but several hours earlier than expected. Like no one gets up to head to work at an unearthly hour, even if it could be a pretty productive time in the office. The systems will be down, the doors closed. There will be nobody in, no one to bump into, unless of course they to were fellow insomniacs and then we could have an  insomniacs club and probably not get on with any work anyway. Funny though how at such early times in the morning the mind can feel so absolutely awake and alert, focused when it knows it should not be. Perhaps we are tied to tightly to the notion of following a 24 hour clock, what would the world be like if everyone was conscious at the times they wanted to do and didn't follow a routine. There would then be no such thing as a typical working day for every working day could be atypical. What a thought.

It's now 5:30 a.m. and I've been physically up only an hour but actually awake three hours or more and now I can feel myself actually starting to feel tired again. So ironic, I can't help thinking there has got to be something wrong with my body clock, or is it my mind. I hope not. Somebody get me a shrink.

Blame it on the muggy weather

It has been hot in London even though there has been no sun. I got on my bicycle and had a little ride, funny how starting out I thought to myself there is no wind this is going to be a good ride. I swear after a few minutes it felt the entire ride was right into the wind. It was tough going and felt slow when climbing small inclines. The plan was to get out and buy some trainers which I did and then returned home stopping off at a Chinese for lunch.  The exercise had a two fold effect, one to get healthy and lose weight the other so as not to pay out in public transport costs. I don't mind riding on the bus except of course when it is overly hot and body odour become the in thing.  The thing about body odour is you can quite easily put up with your own but other people's smells somewhat rank. My legs felt heavy and I deserved the Chinese.  A little bit of pain means you have sacrificed for a little bit of pleasure.

Unusually the trainers I got are black, I got them on account of having a similar pair in Scotland they are Sketchers and found them to be pretty comfortable. They feel as good as a glove on my hand, though a little tight maybe. Wearing these will mean I don't have to wear walking boots and have some leeway now in choice with an in-between footwear. Sometimes boots, shoes or running trainers don't fit the bill as just a plain comfortable non running pair of trainers. Which these are.

  I like to have contingencies wherever possible. Maybe this is why I find myself walking and riding my bike more than ever before as I do my best to save pennies. I feel I am in a financial recession at the moment and am having difficulty making ends meet.  But there are a lot of people who are like this as well in the UK, with a second toxic Tory term this country is going to be bankrupt and go into an even greater recession than it has ever been in.  There it goes again, the doom and gloom prophecy of someone who would prefer to be out there doing something. I need a smack in the head and to be bought around properly. Or a jump into a cold shower to jolt me into cautious optimism and out of negativity. Still I can't help being a little upset with Sparkling.  I'll leave it up to her to text me tomorrow.

Perhaps it's the hot muggy weather, or the fact I didn't sleep well last night. Waking up at 2 a.m. and suddenly finding it near impossible to sleep. Awake but at the same time not wanting to open my eyes and strain reading anything or watching TV.  Maybe it was a little bout of insomnia and that has made me cranky, on the other hand I may not be cranky at all, I might be perfectly fine and the person I should be, which is me and no one else.