No Pain Migraine

It is an odd feeling but sometimes migraine does not have any pain. Most of the time there will be but once in a while there will be a no pain migraine. When this happens at first it is even difficult to recognise you have it. This happened to me yesterday. While at work I could feel the usual tension build up and accompanied by tinnitus but no physical aura of pain arrived. Instead there was a dizzyness, which can be nauseating depending if you are sitting down or walking about. A gentle walk to the photocopier suddenly feels a bit like being on the rolling seas on a little tub boat. Of course all of this is going on in your head and it's not necessary to grab hold of the nearest hand hold to make sure I don't fall over the edge of the carpet.  It's at this time I say to myself "this is not real, the floor is not swaying, you can walk straight."  Fortunately it was near the end of the day and hopefully would mean the rest of my colleagues wouldn't have enough time to establish whether I was drunk and disorderly.

So I have been to bed and got up again, had breakfast and sat down for a quick BLOG writing to non existent readers.  As I sat down I can feel the dizziness again. I didn't eat breakfast, it could be momentary starvation which is brining it on but I know it's the dizzy migraine thing happening again. I'll just walk in a slow lea surely fashion and keep calm, calm always helps. The good thing is being too busy with your own problems usually means the problems of work take on little significance. Now if only this damn boat would keep still!

Don't jump out the window, become a broom stick maker

So taking a crafty break from the bedlam of the Fish Factory I sneaked a phone call to Sparkling Eyes, not just to tell her I love her and miss her, but to have a good moan about work in the Fish Factory. It is getting out of hand especially when you go to a meeting and enter the room then a little man jumps out with a tape measure to check the size of your anus.  This is always a bad sign for it means the last set of brooms they shoved up there are about to be renewed with another set.  All you can hope is the handles are not as wide as they were last time.  And of course it gives a chance to audition for a high pitched tenor vocal range at an Oprah House.  So I says to Sparkling I think I could just jump out the window with the amount of crap they are now piling on.  To which she replies "no you can't you have to get your Will sorted out first." Wonderful I would be better thought of as a rich dead dude than a poor overworked, stressed out alive dude. Of course she didn't mean anything by this comment, well, I hope not. I know she would rather be a full time GaGa to Princess J rather than be a hard working undervalued, underpaid stressed barmaid.  The two of us being stressed isn't a good combination, yet finding humour in it is.  For it seems every employer now days is out to get a few ounces over their pound of flesh?  Yes, is the answer.

Mind, there would be quite a mess if anyone fell out of the window, it's 4 stories or more from the ground, and the landing is on hard concrete.  No walking away, maybe this thought I have shows the need to mentally escape.  I sit there and wait to see if any of the other middle management fish are about to have a mental breakdown, the only person I think is close to it is me.  Then I carefully consider, these people don't give a shite about the broom sticks, in fact they stand around the corner making phone calls to Stationary asking if they need to get more broom sticks on order. Currently the world's supply of broom sticks is a booming industry.  A growth industry with lots of broom stick makers popping up all over the place. They are now more frequent than Pound shops in the high street.  Except these companies do their business behind closed doors and direct to employers.

It's odd, I mean, organizations have stress policies and they have Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) but this means nothing if those policies are not acted on.  Someone who may be on the edge of a breakdown is just left to see how they get on. They are left to see if they do actually break down. To see how much stress they can take. There are few if any Stress assessments, because being stressed out is like having  a mental illness and it is a marker of someone not being able to cope.  Employees don't like to admit they are having problems.  They don't want their cards marked. Then employers throw another spanner in the works and up the ante by bringing in more stringent sickness policies, or if they don't like to use the word sick they call them Attendance policies.  Gone are the days of saying exactly what you mean because this is a taboo subject.  Employees have got to show blood sweat and tears and be pushed and worn out like a part to an engine.  And then ultimately they say it is the employees own fault, because it is they way they view the world.

I wonder if broom stick makers have the same problems as these organizations which run a common practice of over working employees and getting as much unpaid overtime out of them as possible. If only we all got bonuses equal to the degree of stress we felt. I don't though whether these would be much good to those individuals who have been to hell and back. The ones who have stepped on a precipice and fallen. Only to land in a large dung heap, left appropriately under every open window.  Get up, shake yourself off and don't let the broom sticks change the way you walk down the road.  Just sweep your troubles under the carpet, and while your sweeping there could you just....

Listening to yourself and balancing on a tight rope

Today at the Fish Factory I was thrown as referee between two parties. It was like a tug of war into one direction and then into the other one.  I don't like this aspect of the job especially as one individual was trying to defer their responsibility on me, they were hopping all over the place. From one stone to another and then throwing projectiles at me. Whereas the other individual put up a shield of doubt as to what the first was saying. They were on the defensive but their voice had to be heard as my job role meant this person's interesting was my primary concern.  I eventually got to some kind of decision on the matter and will be rang up again in the next few days when yet I'll have to make another decision and do my refereeing role all over again. Right now I know what my decision is going to be, one of these parties is going to have to relent and that's it.

In the meantime, the big fish sits behind me and has overheard the conversations I've been thrown into all afternoon. The big fish already has a set of priorities they want me to get on with yet because of everything else, those priorities are not being met. It is definitely like a rock and a hard place.  Whatever happens I'll be knocked from one place to another. Those priorities are unrealistic. It's very much the climate of the UK at the moment. Wring the little fishes out so tightly you do get blood from a stone. Everything is temporary. No matter how much these pressures and stresses are put on me it's really about keeping my own cool head and retaining some kind of control. Something which will retract me back to a calm and relaxed place.  It's about getting a grip. 

This is where Dave Allen's principle of "recording" everything which has to be done in some way is important. The way it is recorded has to be more reliable than your own brain because your own brain is fallible and liable to forget. I've been trying to do this a lot lately and am finding it is helping. As the IT system in the Fish Factory is unreliable, I've gone backward and use a notepad and mechanical pencil.  In fact of all my tools at the fish factory, the most important of all are this mechanical pencil and pad.  Without them things would be more difficult. However, this is not all. Others are the use of my own head and listening to what the little fishes say.  From LEAN management and engaging management styles solutions are generated from the ground upwards.  It is always when big fish make decisions which effect smaller fish things go wrong and problems pop up. Time and time again I always see it.  Confering with those involved always raises items of interest. Just as doing a trial run of something.  The biggest errors happen when the experts are not listened to, and those are the ones doing the job.

Consequently the exert of me, can only be me.  It's always about listening to yourself and how you feel, reasoning and expressing this. A caveat to this is knowing you have to stop and listen. There are things which happen inside my own head I don't know about because it's all a jumble. Then from nowhere a feeling or thought pops up and I don't understand why.  It's all in the unconscious.  Similar to dreams. Waking up, remembering that strange dream and then trying to interpret it.  This same thing happens in conscious waking life as well.  To find a happy settled place its a matter of finding the point of balance.  I heard on the radio about a man who recently tight rope walked across part of the Grand Canyon. He described the most difficult part was coping with the wind. He had no safety harness when he did this stunt.  During the entire walk he concentrated on the wind and the variable effects it had on both his own body and the rope which was a steal cable.  Had he not listened with every ounce of will and counteracted appropriately he wouldn't of been around to tell the story.

Maybe what I'm saying is, your own mental well being in a stressful environment is open to checks and balances. To coping strategies which you have to put in place. For at the end of the day a comfortable padded room is very nice, but not if you're locked inside it.

A day off and what to do or not to do

Well it's a day off work and I don't know what to do with myself. The new Ukulele delivered yesterday, is not impressing at the moment. Either I'm not skilled enough to appreciate it or there is something wrong with the product, so I scratch my head wondering what it could be. If it comes to it I'll have to return it back to the online shop I got it from. I had thought about going out to bet a new pair of shoes or boots. This didn't happen. I had thought of laying in bed a bit longer than normal, this didn't happen, the sun came out and being constantly woken up by outside sources made sleep yet another intermittent affair. I thought, well, I need to relax, I really have a great need to chill out as the Fish Factory has been mentally stressful. There's a constant tinnitus now in my ears and I don't know if this is high blood pressure, stress or just a hearing problem. Were I to go partially deaf it might even be an advantage. Otherwise were I to fall over and have a stroke, gurgling saliva and not being able to function this would be a distinct disadvantage. Heck, a bloody distinct disadvantage.  Being a vegetable was not part of a future CV. What I did do was avoid the funeral of an ex prime minister. Which in itself is a great event. Shall I send a complaint to the BBC about the song they refuse to play? It's a possibility.  At last I got out of the house, got away from watching old movies and have done something. I could of gone for some exercise.  Got on my bike and just cycled, but didn't. However, chilling in a nice pub with an expensive cup of coffee, laptop on and fingers dancing over the keys is the best necessary option at this time.

Yesterday at the Fish Factory I needed time to think and I need peace and quiet. But this is not something which can happen in an open planned environment. Not one which is designed along the lines of a car park. Except with a carpet and desks.  After having an argument with a Fish who wouldn't listen to what I had to say and had the notion if they just kept on repeating themselves the situation would change and I'd do what they asked.  Of course this didn't happen.  After having enough of ranting and raving, I advised them I was going to put the phone down. I did. At this moment a moment of relief came over me. Some people just come across as mentally ill when they think they are better and know more and by out shouting, screaming or vicious circle argument think something will be achieved. I sat there looking the monitor, needing a moment to collect my thoughts. A moment to get back on with the work I get paid to do. The peace did not come. I knew it wouldn't. There must be a way to accept and deal with these workplace turmoils. One which doesn't involve being mentally abused or having a lingering effect of the mental abuse bestowed by other people in this world.  I refuse to accept situations change me and control me and sometimes grasp onto this thought with both hands and tight. I will keep myself calm and composed. It's a fact there are frequent situations where people do not agree with what I say. Not because they are right, but because they are wrong and they are emotionally embroiled in the belief they are right. There is only so much bending backwards I can do before I start to see the back of my heels and this has happened too much. The buzzing in my ears is still there, I need two or three months off work. Unfortunately in the fast paced environment of the Fish Factory such a time would be an eternity. Too many things change. Sit down for five minutes and you'll find a layer of dust on your head.

Perhaps it is a holiday I need.  One away from it all. One in another country. A place where  relaxation is the main item on the agenda. Of course Sparkling will come along as well, she works hard and needs the break equally. There is only so many days, seconds, minutes in a life so using them wisely and breaking out of the chains of stress and strains seems like a good idea. A very good idea, now just to find the time the place and...

"It's all about me" he said with a stare in his eyes

It was about half eleven at night, Sparkling Eyes had just come through the front door. I'd finished watching a documentary called 'The Light Bulb Conspiracy.' (Which I recommend to anyone to watch as it's about the throw away society and how manufacturers purposefully build in obsolescence). Sparkling was able to poor herself a glass of wine and give a five minute update on work. Then there was a quiet knock on the door.

"Who could that be?" asked Sparkling.
"I don't know."
"It must be L & B man, it can't be anyone else." She said.

He came in with a crazed look in his eyes and a lot to say. I'd been briefed there were issues with his employer and L & B needed to tell someone.This is the most important thing in his life at the moment, he was possessed and I was about to find out what was possessing him.

"It's not about the wife! It's not about the daughter. (both shopaholics) It's not about me son (lost in his own teenage angst) It's about me!" His stare penetrated like he had X-ray eyes. He was feverish, manic, on the edge, excited, knew he was in the right, had a battle on his hands and wore a t-shirt. Bare arms ready to fight.This was the only issue which mattered, nothing else.

So for the next hour, I made L & B tea while he gave me the low down on work. At one point he stood up, and gave me the stare, the one which says"you gotta take me seriously." Rather the world will take me seriously. The fight was on. But I wasn't agreeing with what he said. Sparkling said I didn't know the full story, L & B's passion was so much he said he was going to hit me. That I didn't know what I was talking about. It didn't help Sparkling joined in by saying I made her mad at times and she felt like she wanted to hit me as well. I'd better watch myself, in a few minutes I could get a thrashing just because I didn't agree as brother and sister were about to chop me up into little bits and feed me to the dicky birds in the morning.  There was only one course of action, I agreed, he had a case and they had to answer it. They were in the wrong, he stood up and feigned a half vulnerable pathetic look, saying little old me is disabled and they are treating me unfairly.  For L & B it was definitely "all about me."  Ten cigarettes later, two cups of tea, and a passionate discussion about his predicament all was well, head held high he went out the front door, chuffed. For this evening his job was complete, yet another spectator had gone on to L & B's side. He will win this fight.

In the next couple of days I'll get to see a two inch folder of evidence on the poor decisions and discrimination of his work. Must drink lots of coffee, stay awake, don't be caught yawning, I'll not offend him. Not when he's got his t-shirt on and raging for another discussion of "it's all about me." Sparkling will then get a chance to take a back seat, as long as she don't roll up her sleeves as well I should get it. The prospect of a shallow grave in the back garden just doesn't cut the mustard. I got at least another 30 years of life left. Heck, it's not about me it's about him. Roll over the little one said.

Stress busting

The pressures of working at the Fish Factory have been high, but as though in some kind of anti-hero to the notion of stress I've decided to be even calmer and more relaxed. To accept them and just do what I can. It's like everybody must have a piece of the action and they all think I am the action thing to have a piece off. Little fishes pester me with questions and throw their own stresses at my direction. They pass on problems, called passing the monkey to those in the know. The monkey then clings to my own back rather than their own. When seeing other people react to pressures they are under a different part of personality comes out. How they act, or rather react as the situation takes them over and their nerves go a jingle-jangle like. One Fish came up to me, sat down and was on the edge of a precipice. I kept it calm sat and listened to what they had to say, even though they had interrupted my own flow of work. Something I've learnt is another person's problem is always the most important thing in the world. Much more important than your own. To the extent they are wrapped up in it, just like the outer layer of a deep fried pancake roll. As another monkey was passed to me, I sat an did a Buddha like contemplation.  The more I relaxed the easier it was to find a solution to the problem.  This attitude in turn had an effect on the Little Fish, they gradually got de-stressed and it was easier to deal with them.  Stress is a contagious feeling but equally calmness can be a contagious thing.  Besides being calm there is another walnut cracker which works well. One even Witchdoctors keep under their hat, it's powerful magic, very powerful. It is, humour. Whether being droll, sarcastically funny or just plain funny, it will do the trick.  Well in most cases it can, it may be difficult with those who have little in the way of a sense of humour. The ones who you speak to and instantly wish today it would of began better had you just stayed in bed.

It is all a matter of personality, some people are able to cope with the pressures of life, others have learnt how to deal with it. Dealing with stress is 99 percent dealing with your own attitude to stress. Learn from others I'd say, but ensure those you learn from are good examples. In my family I have a lot of bad examples of personalities, rather than learn from them I find they can then sap energy from my own reserves. To the point it is worth not even speaking to them or avoiding them. They will get a little of my time and then it is over. In some cases it is not possible to undo what has been a life time of depression, anxiety and emotional vampirism. Not even hard core therapy could dent. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own mental health, learning to relax in even the most confrontive of situations is probably the ultimate in black belt stress busting.

There is a new abbreviation out. It is YOLO (you only live once). If we were to take this to heart in every interaction a lot would change in your own personality. I heard it said Samuri would think about dying everyday. They would consider being killed in a variety of situations, it was  a matter of getting used to the thought and confrontation of an inevitability, certainly present in the line of work they had.  This was one of the exercises which would make them more able to cope with life, and personally I think they were probably quite light hearted people.

Every evening when I head home after work, I look forward to an important part of the night. It is picking up Bertha (Ukulele) and giving her a strum. OK she can give my finger tips pain, she occasionally goes out of tune when her strings have been changed, but she gives me a weird pleasure. Playing Bertha is like having a hit of some kind of happiness drug.  The next step in my progression is learning to sing along with her. Now, my timing is pretty crap, and my singing is pretty crap, and my memory of learning words to songs is also pretty crap.  when I put all of these things together and try a verse or two of a song the result is hilarious, well, it's hilarious to me. I sit there and just laugh. The other night I was laughing so much there was tears in my eyes. I rang up Rock Chick and played a verse to her, she thought I was drunk at first, I wasn't, I was plain happy.  Rock laughed as well. I said little Baby Fro would love this music, and indeed she will once she hears it. Rock will know Baby Fro has been suitably minded when she's been left to sleep in company of Bertha and myself.

Oh what a wonderful world this can be.