Getting Drunk

Getting drunk can be a happy experience. But there are some conditions, such as being around people you like or don’t know. Those unknown persons are acquainted to other group members and are an unknown factor. There’s more to chat about. Or if they are shy then less. But they add to the atmosphere. Which of course brings the next essential, a good atmosphere all round. Where no body is out to settle a personal vendetta, all are open and safe persons to be amongst. There’s one bloke who goes to the same pub as me. A regular. Who I just can’t help but dislike, I have to watch myself if ever I’m going through the stages of drunkenness because I could easily let the genie out of the bottle and become obnoxious, if not aggressive. He’s a complete arse hole, so there’s good reason.. For a conducive atmosphere some background music helps. Even better if it is a live band and you’re not sitting bang next to a speaker, because in between gulps of alcohol there is the occasional need to chat.

Stages to getting drunk, usually begin with, the comment “this drink is having no effect on me,” something I say is after half a pint. And would depend on whether I’ve eaten, because drinking on a full stomach makes slow intoxication. Whilst drinking on an empty stomach is equivalent to a very, very cheap date and a permanent gaze at the world through the bottom of beer glass spectacles, effectively some stages are jumped altogether, not to mention everyone looks sexy. Even the flea bitten dog in the corner suffering from a bout of mange.

However, if just getting normally slowly inebriated then the next stage is feeling tipsy. This inevitably brings on a happy smile. A permanent smirk behind which the mind thinks of funny things constantly. The outside world looks great because encaged in this alcoholic froth everything is funny. Without realising it I catch onto the double entendre so quickly it astounds me how comic timing become natural. It’s odd but the smallest things and comments can be changed into something obscure and hilarious. After tipsy is the pretty merry stage. It’s this point when I don’t ever want to come back to reality. If I could stay intoxicated to this level permanently, everything in the world would have little importance, except of course the funny things again. Being pretty merry is wonderful time, and I wish it were a frozen continuum. For a short period anyway.

Coming very close to this stage is the “I am drunk” stage, and admitting it to other people. Who equally if drinking will simply smile and enjoy your company because they may well be at the tipsy or the pretty merry state themselves, they naturally enjoy the company of a drunk and don’t shy away. There is a caveat at this point. Other’s who are sober will look at you with distaste on their face. As though you have suddenly caught small pox. Don’t worry, just stay away from sober people, by being sober they are out of the loop and do not have access to the inebriate’s mind. I recall chatting on the phone while on the train and being drunk or rather shit faced drunk. The stares I got. If I could of bottled them up they were the stuff a horror movie could be made from.

After being drunk, I hazard there are just two more stages left. This is because more than anything else the speed of recovery next day is down to which drunk state you’re in. If only at the drunk stage recovery isn’t so bad. However next is very drunk, followed by paralytic. Being very drunk means you will have a hang over, and may not be able to recover until mid afternoon. Being paralytic, is also a fine line from being very drunk. When you’re paralytic and wake up in the morning the room is still spinning. It is the classic symptom of one whopping hang over to come. Further there’s the pukes. Or for those unaware visits to the loo with projectile like vomiting and getting into contact with your closest post alcoholic friend. Mr Old Armitage Shanks. Sodd the skid marks. There’s something so comforting about hugging a ceramic pot. Again this is providing you haven’t been greeted by another unfortunate symptom. It’s when the thought goes through your mind “I am going to shit myself.” Yes, if you haven’t practiced getting off the blocks fast it could be a problem. And preying to the great green bottle in the sky, or brown bottle, the toilet is free. Because if someone else is in there, one of you is going to have an accident. This weekend I been through all these stages fortunately with no accidents.

Post drunk clarity. When the air has cleared and your able to think straight with the aid of a couple of headache pills your mind is vexed by the same two words “never again.” Let there not pass over these lips another drop. Let me stay sober the rest of my life and never visit the gates of hell to recover again. Oh well. Till next time.