I just finished watching a horror movie. This is unusual for me because I find they scare the crap out of me, even though I get a really good night's sleep afterwards. So I finished watching it in the morning this way I might not be so on edge. But still it succeeded in making me shudder, you know the parasympathetic response, where it feels someone is walking over your grave. It happened. Up and down the spine. I know this is just a physical reaction to what my mind says is spooky, and I even know it's all down to wonderful special effects and editing. Still I can't do anything about it. It's like my rational mind has been stamped on and something is happening which I have no control over because it's a supernatural force. When in fact it's not supernatural but just pictures and music on a TV. So it's a matter of watch and put up, but it must be a good movie if I have this reaction. Though have you ever noticed how when you watch the same scary movie a second time it no longer has the same effect and is even funny. Then you wonder why you didn't laugh at it first time round, exactly, know what I mean.
The remarkable thing about horror movies is how the main characters so fall into accepting what is happening. Especially as some paranormal force begins to take it's pound of flesh from them. Like the very nature of these forces is to feed of the victim's fear first then to slowly and hideously kill them, or just to drag them kicking and screaming into the underworld of nasty, ghoolie things. Where no doubt they will be invited for a nice cup of Ovaltine and a Bourbon biscuit just before being tucked into bed. Because at this point the story usually ends, unless there happens to be other victims about. You can tell by the music. Which must be creepy, usually it starts of slow, and then there are sudden big sounds you just don't expect. At the moment it all goes quiet then KABOOM, big giant nasty monster thing turns up spewing ectoplasm and speaking in tongues. I expect though if you watch a horror movie a day then these things really would have no effect at all. But I don't intend to, not at this moment.
Usually it's the remit of Sparkling and Rock Chick to use me as unsuspectingly guinea pig. Just when I'm about to enjoy a cup of tea Rock Chill will pull out the scary DVD. I'd like to say I'm never scared, of course. Not if they let me sit with them. But it's no fun when they kick me off the sofa and I don't. They then cuddle up to each other leaving me ALONE, like an unwanted rag doll tossed onto a vacant chair. Unfair. What is it with females? They just have to play with your paranoid emotions to see if they can make you squeal like a distressed animal. I don't though, on account of being a man. Or rather I try not to, as best I can. Speaking in a low voice and clearing my throat at those very emotional points, doing anything to dampen those scary moments helps to break the suspense. Going to the toilet or putting the kettle on for another cup of tea is a good distraction. Anything so the flow of the evil spirits who want to come and get me find I'm not sitting there waiting for them. I'm not going to be a willing toy for your evil misbehavour. Fortunately, after an hour or so they all go away, because every film has an ending regardless of its nature.
Going back to the content of said scary movies. Sometimes the characters find some inner resolve to fight back. They overcome their fears. It's not like they have just acquired a back bone, because you always have to be scared to a degree otherwise what is the use of facing the undead, horned beasts or vampires if you are not scared in the first place. Mind it's always girls who do the most screaming and get scared the most. They have piercingly loud screams. Just by hearing a girl scream it makes you want to clasp your ears and pack them with wax or something. Their screams are infectious as well, especially if you get a group of girls, one screams and then the other has to join in then before you know it there's a hysterical bunch dancing about like puppets on strings, heads doing 360 degree turns and hair standing up on end in the worst ever hair day, ever, ever. Not forgetting running makeup, because weeping tracks of mascara for some reason add a bit more to the scary atmosphere. I'm sure glad I don't have to put such stuff on my face. As for the men in these movies. Rather than being hysterical they are usually shown to be morons. They just blithely walk into the cooking pot just as it is about to come to the boil, yep, lizards tails, eyes popping up and down as witches cackle over their cauldron and the fella walks in and jumps straight into the bloody thing. We look like complete idiots. When the girls are picking up all the scary clues, like seeing things, we're too busy eating, being distracted by porn or playing about and then we've had it. Yes, bloody victims because the girls said "I told you so" and we being idiots didn't listen. Men, if you are in a scary move and a girl says she saw something bloody well believe her.
Unless she has just put the telly on, says come and do my feet for me, and you find her feet happen to be pretty cold, smelly and not as nice as they once were. At this moment you'll find it is just a little too late to butch up. And whatever you do, never look over your shoulder.
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