Sleep was a little better last night, but it is not a full deep and undisturbed affair. I wake up when I don't want to wake up and the world encroaches on my senses. It's like the external environment does it's best to intrude on those who wish to keep it out, just for a few hours. I notice how noisy it appears at night when I go to bed. However, when I speak of noise it is not the noise of a pneumatic drill or fireworks display, it is the noise of traffic in the background far away. Little noises which I should be able to shut out. Like in the morning it will be the noise of pigeons on the roof cooing, I hear them and they wake me up. So sleep is interrupted again. It is just not allowed. I stick ear plugs in and these only seem to have a half-hearted effect. I don't want to hear what is going on and am now on the point of considering drugs. Whether it would be better to see the Quack and ask for something to help me sleep. What I would do for a long, long undisturbed heavy sleep. There is still the option of going for a walk, of doing some kind of exercise. It doesn't matter what the exercise is as long as I do something. Which will work two fold. First to tire me out and second to make me healthier. It is such an effort though, but it may have to be done. So as I slowly drag myself into the world of the living, the loud, the fully conscious I must now contend with the option of physical exercise. It seems I may have to go through a period of being a zombie. In order to get some sleep I will need to both mentally and physically exhaust myself, and to make a conscious effort at it.
There are a lot of things which have been pissing me off lately. Religious nuts who have to sing in the street, lack of sleep, a workplace which is nothing but stressful as none of the machines work, missing Sparkling, getting sore and calloused fingers from playing the Uke, toast which is not crispy enough and goes soggy and tasteless once margarine has been put on it, a diet consisting mostly of fried food with very little fresh food, and being fat. I could also quite easily kill someone with the rage inside of me. There are times when I am so relaxed and everything is like water flowing around me and it has no effect. I'm guessing this cranky mood is all sleep orientated and once I can achieve some shut eye, the rest will be OK, it will all fall into place, like a self fitting jigsaw puzzle, if ever there were one. Funny how very important sleep is, how it does more than just recharge the batteries, it resets the brain, effects mood, rests the body. There could be chemicals in my blood stream going around and around which haven't had a chance to be cleared out by sleep, or even exercise. It's for me to regain control of myself, my life and concentrate again on the things I can do. The proactive things I can change in this way I'll not be swept away with the crap.
I heard Dangerous had spent another day with his mother. It is always a suspicious affair I feel when he goes missing. Rock Chick needs comfort and support at this time of her pregnancy, especially with her hormones all over the place. When Dangerous sees his mother it is like she is trying to change him again, manipulate him into her control so he can not think for himself. He is a fragile young man and does not understand even your own mother can be a bad influence, you have to make your own choices at times and disagree, allow yourself to be happy. He has confessed to being happiest when he is out of her influence. This has usually meant being away from her, physically away at a place or distance where she can not see him or talk to him for hours on end. I can not but think if she spends hours with him it is because she is brain washing the poor lad. He has a relationship and will soon be a father, his first priority is to Rock not to Mrs Manipulative who domineers the entire thought processes of those around her. If he can't think for himself he had better be very careful. For it will do no good in his relationship with Rock. I have told him he must follow his own happiness, find what it is and grab it with both hands, I sure hope he gives Rock a good hug and together they ride the waves discontent which have been fanned by others, or rather an other.
I'm at the stage of deciding what to do with my Sunday, I need to get up and dressed and start to be active. In a very real sense of the word. It's my life and I live it as I want to, be it my Uke (Bertha) or the end of feeling in my finger tips, be it the end of full sanity and consciousness, be it the troubles ahead, the perceived troubles, or the troubles which are going to be ridden like a bare back horse rider. That sounds good, time to get some clothes on and maybe a dash of war paint as well.
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