How to survive a Scotch Bonnet Chili

Last night when American Idol was having a break, Sparkling sprang a trial on me. She had watched an episode of celebrity Big Brother where contestants ate various chillies. In typical Sparkling fashion this had now been transfered into a test for moi. She suggested I eat the Scotch bonnet giving the reason she was now bored, and of course I was the entertainment. I sat looking at the Scotch Bonnet, really thinking about whether I was up to it. Especially as I'd seen a few videos on YouTube, and they were disturbing. I even learnt spice is measured in scoville units. In a few moments to my unfortunate chagrin, there joined us, Roch Chick and Dangerous Sports lad. Dangerous sat down next to me and he thought this was a typical dangerous challenge so he'd join in as well. Personally I must admit to thinking he would not be up to it as he's just a kid, and me, well I'm a man, for men these things are different. In my mind he wouldn't be so silly. But I was up to it, well possibly. Rock Chick was not feeling too good with her recent bout of flu but had to watch. She goaded us to go on. Sparkling observed and I could see her eyes glint as she chuckled. It was the kind of laugh which says this is going to be funny and I am going to enjoy this. Sparkling and Rock were, I wasn't and I knew it. Hence my take it slowly and look at it first before I pop it into my gob.

I got a cup of milk at the ready. Then looked at the Scotch bonnet some more wondering if i really did have what it takes to eat it. At this moment Dangerous Sports lad took one very very brief look at his Scotch Bonnet and then popped it in his mouth and started chomping away. I was taken back. How could he? Just like that, it went inside and he chewed. WHAT! Now there was no way out, I could not sit there and do nothing just looking at the thing because then I'd be chicken. Great the little snot and forced my hand in proving his own machoness to Rock Chick. How dare he, I was the one proving how macho I was, but taking my time over it. As they say there's always someone else bigger more macho and more handsome than the next. Hell, I'd just found this out. Rock Chick looked on admiringly and giggled. Shit. After one or two seconds of additional thinking I then had to act fast. I mean fast, because if I delayed any more I'd be a wimp. So in it went. Then I chewed and chomped at the medium large looking fiery red bonnet. As there was a slight timed delay between Dangerous and myself he'd be feeling the effects before me, and quiet soon. All I had to do was to stay as calm as I could, chew for longer hold the chili in my mouth and do my best not to show it had any effect on me. So I chewed. Dangerous stood up and started doing a funny dance around the room, I tried not to concentrate on him but rather on the searing volcanic pain in my own mouth. I held the chewy hot poison in my cheeks and half wondering whether I should spit it out was again gazumped by Dangerous as he had fully swallowed his own. Damn. I to swallowed. I sat there calmly then I just could not put up with it any more.

I drank my milk, ate a spoonful of strawberry desert rice, and drank more milk. I needed instant relief but the milk was not working. The fire was everywhere in my mouth. My cheeks, my tongue, the roof, gums and it was like acid. The gulps of milk were not doing it. I needed help I needed relief now. I ran outside into the garden, it was cold out there and I hoped by being in the cold it would chill my mouth. I breathed out hard, in and out with my mouth wide open but nothing was happening. Dangerous said to try water with the milk as it seemed to alleviate the symptoms. I tried it. I washed my mouth round and round with the mixture and spat it out. The plants it hit caught on fire and blew up into ten foot flames. Sparkling watched and laughed. Rock could not believe the effects as she sat there quietly while these two men went crazy trying to get away from the taste of hell. This is the stuff the mouths of children should be washed out with if they are caught swearing, not soap. After a while, five or ten minutes the heat subsided by an iota. I then sat down and tried to wipe the tears away from my eyes. After I'd had a good nose honk. I have never tasted anything so hot. The milk should of sorted it out, and it did but it don't work straight away. It takes time.

Time enough to understand I had been so pulled into another Sparkling trap. It may not seem much to eat a Scotch Bonnet, but it is. After the event there were further side effects as I realised there was an alien in my belly and he was now trying to get out. The hard way. I paced around ran up to the loo. Came back down, clutched my gut. Checked the web. It was then I read eating raw chili can result in severe heart burn. Great. I had another dose of milk and at last felt better. Sparkling said she was proud of me, of course, I am here to entertain. But I survived, it's something I have done and I may or may not do it again. But I've done it. I'm now dangerous, growwwlll.