How not to get a car out of mud

There is an advert on TV, where a car with three girls in it stop at the gate to a field where an event is taking place.  One of them begins to get out of the car and as soon as she tentatively puts her foot down her lovely high healed shoe begins to sink in the mud.  So she puts it back into the car and takes out a yogurt to eat.  Which is what the advert is about, yogurt.  Every time I see this advert I get a flash back to a scene involving Sparkling.  Sparkling and I, her car and a muddy field.  A scene from real life in which I learn a little about mud and Sparkling's driving.  To my unfortunate experience, but funny.  Well funny for Sparkling.

Not far from where Sparkling lives there is some pretty nice countryside.  If it were not for the fact Sparkling is definitely a city type girl who doesn't like walking in the countryside I'd see more of it.  On a number of occasions I had said the hills nearby were beautiful and it would be nice to see them.  So after doing a shop Sparkles decides she will actually take me to have a quick look at the hills and then we can head home and unpack.  We meandered for about fifteen minutes around fields and then headed up a small hill which looked down a dip and up a much, much larger hill.  On the brow there was a farmer's house with a 4x4 parked beside it.  Sparkling waited a moment looking down from the brow into the dip and then  thought about parking her car next to another car also in the dip.  The other car was empty.  Dog walkers no doubt.  So she slowly and carefully drove down the mud like road.  The council obviously no longer considered their responsibilities stretched here.  She swung the car round next to the other stationary car.  I was a little alarmed by this manoeuvre because although the stationary car was on a slight hump the ground where Sparkling parked was inclined a little more.  I had a sinking feeling.  NO, a sinking feeling.  I opened my side door and could see the front passenger wheel was on grass which in turn was submerged in about half an inch of water.  The front wheels looked to have bedded themselves in the mud.

At this point I looked at Sparkling and said I thought we were stuck.  It didn't take much to come to this conclusion, my interest in the hills had wained somewhat by it as well.  I directed Sparkling to try and reverse the car a little bit onto the more solid ground.  My reasoning was as the car had only just been parked there was likely the chance it would reverse.  So Sparkles puts the car in reverse and puts her foot down on the pedal.  Here a lesson in aqua planinge was learnt by me.  A car on water doesn't grip, it's fact.  The front wheels then span round.  As Sparkles pressed down harder on the accelerator the wheels span faster and so the beginnings of a little trench had started. She sat an looked at me.  OK.  I said try to go forward and got out of the car.  Sparkling put the car into gear and again the wheels span.  The wheels were having a great time while I got more and more alarmed.  There seemed little chance of getting it out now.  But I'm a man, I had an idea.  I told sparkling to put it in reverse again while I went round the front and tried to push it.  She did.  and nothing much happened.  I then changed position to try and get a better grip by the open front passenger door.  Again the engine revved up and the wheels spun.  I move position next to the wheel rim, "more" I cried out.  Nothing.  Then I said "try turning the steering wheel."  I took another grip as the car rocked and I strained with all my might, back right into it.  Nothing.  I looked up to Sparkling just as she had moved the steering a little again.  This time the wheels angled out from the body I pulled, she pressed the accelerator and then I was spattered with a ton of wet, cold, soggy mud, in my face, up my coat and generally all over me.  In a manic craziness I shouted above the revving engine "Sparkling stop!"   I did it loudly and with a little bit of anger as you can guess.  The passenger door open, Sparkling looked at me and could not control the laughter on her face.

The dog walkers turned up at some point, but were of no help at all.  They got in their car and drove off.  I could of killed them and stuck them in a shallow soggy grave.  Sparkling suggested I go up to the farmer's house and see if they could help.  I refused so she went up there and got them to help. I got out of the car and helped by giving hand signals and directions to the farmer as he pulled Sparkling's car out of the quagmire with his 4x4.  He then stopped and put the hand break on.  He got out of his Range Rover to untie the rope, at which point for some completely unknown reason sparkling decided to move her car forward a little.  As she did so she began to drag the Rover down the hill.  Again I shouted and the farmer ran back to his Rover to stop it from slipping.  After some stern conversation with Sparkling who could only but laugh at the whole affair she stopped her car and waited so the farmer could untie his tow rope. 



So how do you get a car out of the mud?  Easy, ask a farmer for help, because how not to get a car out of the mud is to do it yourself and take up an impromptu course of beauty therapy.  Mud baths anyone?