After a little motivation from Sparkling which went along the lines of "we have got to go on holiday. Am I going to have to go on my own?" and "I will have to go with someone else then" followed by "all because you don't have your passport!" I went out of my way spent a little more time trying to work out how to complete the passport application form. Rang up the help line. Got a bored stiff girl on the line who no doubt felt because she had fielded so many calls from idiots who can't complete the form she had either contemplated suicide or chemical induced coma. Well the booklet is about 30 pages long and most of it completely irrelevant. It's design is awful and you just can't find the information you need in an instance. Shame on you Identity and Passport Service. Getting back to the point. I completed the form and went off to get a photo done.
Now I am sure there is no Australian connection in my family genes. But maybe it is down to the genes, because 5 minutes after I've had a shave I look like I need another shave. So having a permanent dark shadow. Being it was a Saturday and there was no particular need to look beautiful, I tend to spend the minimum time shaving. A bit like the song What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor? The razor wasn't quite rusty but it was on it's last couple of shaves. Essentially the longest stubble had been cut back but there is always a little which persists. I headed of to the shops for a photo machine. Thinking to myself it will only be a couple of quid, in, then out, done and ready for posting. Well this was my first mistake, the photo machine cost £5!!! Bloody hell, I could of gone to a professional photographer and got it done for that. It's only a poxy photo machine. There's nothing special about it.
I got the right change sat in the machine and went throught the photo taking process. The voice of a woman told me what to do. She must of been sitting inside the machine because it sounded a bit mechanical come echo like. Not sitting on my seat but behind the lens. Mind I have never seen anyone open a door at the back and climb into it, but it would account for the extortionate price. Obviously she needed to head off to Mayfair for a cup of tea at some bistro. Hence conning passport photo seeking saps like myself. The machine flashed once. I sat dead straight, so still like it was an early 1900s camera. Bloody idiot. I wasn't too happy with the image it had taken, so pressed a button for it to take another shot. Maybe it would be better. I didn't have any make-up, not that make-up is something I carry around with myself, but I know if Sparkles was there she'd off chastised me until somehow the picture looked better. Oh yes, you are not allowed to smile either. This is what the instructions said. It flashed a second time. Hmm still not looking so good. Maybe it will print out different I thought. Wolly. I swished the curtain back stepped outside and waited patiently.
It must be the extra cost they have put on these photo-me machines, because it didn't take long at all. I'm sure I heard a printer working in the background. A light flashed red where the photos drop out so I collected them. Which was when I understood why the light was red. My face must of been similar to an escaped convict. This isn't good I thought to myself. Opened up my rucksack slid the picture in a book, closed up the ruck sack and walked out as calmly as possible. Just in case the red light was supposed to have a siren with it and the thing wasn't working. Maybe the £5 was a bribery charge. Giving me enough time to get out of there before the men in blue picked me up, handcuffed me and looked at any outstanding arrest warrants. Then put the thumb screws on and I'm sure someone would review the footage of the recent riots with my photo one side of the monitor.
Now I am set with a dilemma. The passport picture will be used for 10 years, so do I want to look like a convict for the next 10 years. May I add an older more mature, hardened looking convict. Probably one who had a string of petty crimes and loads of tattoos. Except I don't have any tattoos, but am lucky the photo machine didn't put some on just for good measure. I had also taken off my glasses so there wouldn't be a flash across the lenses which would of made the photos invalid. So perhaps I was squinting without realising it. My eyes look narrow and beady. Hell, if I saw myself walking down the street looking like that, I'd arrest me. I am going to have to think about this now. Shall I get another picture done? Or be a convict for the next 10 years? God, will I get stripped searched next time I go through customs? Pounced on by men in uniforms. Arrested for looking shifty, shady or related to some kingpin character? Or am I The Kingpin character? Ten years could seem like a long time. But they don't have anything on me, I'm innocent I tell you, innocent!!! God what will Sparkling say?
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